[lfjokes] Remember, :-( is trademarked

[Adam Shand]

my favorite quote from this is:

"Kersten and one-time enemy Kim Polese treat Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos to
dinner to honor Amazon's 'innovative stand against innovation'."

From: Herr ToddoT Nagengast <todd at gnosh.net>
URL:  http://www.despair.com/demotivators/frownonthis.html

[DESPAIR, INC. SECURES OFFICIAL TRADEMARK REGISTRATION FOR :-(,  
ANNOUNCES PLANS TO SUE MILLIONS FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Media Relations
Email: media at despair.com
Web: www.despair.com
Fax: 214.826.1952

DALLAS, TX - January 2nd, 2001 - In a move that has millions across the
Internet community frowning, Despair, Inc. today announced that the U.S.
Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) had awarded them a registered
trademark for the 'frowny' emoticon which serves as their logo.[1]

At a press conference, Despair's COO, Dr. E.L.Kersten, announced his
intentions to sue "anyone and everyone who uses the so-called 'frowny'
emoticon, or our trademarked logo, in their written email correspondence.
Ever."

Despair filed suit yesterday in a U.S. District Court in Dallas, alleging
infringement against over 7 million individual Internet users. The
Despair, Inc., company has requested separate injunctions granted against
each. It is Announces Plans to Sue Millions for Trademark believed to be
the largest single trademark dispute in history.

According to USPTO records, Despair originally filed for the mark in June
of 1998, and was awarded a registered trademark for the 'frowny' emoticon
logo on May 2nd of this year. Since that time the company has, through the
use of the FBI's controversial new "Carnivore" Internet wiretapping
system, surreptitiously monitored unencrypted Internet email and compiled
a list of over 7,000,000 individuals who have used the ":-(" emoticon in
email.

Compliance with the injunction will require the defendants to provide to
the court and Despair, Inc. a report, in writing under oath, setting forth
in detail the manner and form in which the defendant has complied with the
injunction to destroy any email in which they have used the offending
mark. Despair has also petitioned the court to require defendants to
submit a handwritten letter which repeats the phrase ":-( is a registered
trademark of Despair, Inc." one-thousand times. A ruling on the petition
is expected within a week.

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY SPECIALISTS STUNNED

The decision to award Despair, Inc. with a registered trademark for the
:-( symbol left many in the field of intellectual property law stunned.

Suzanna Larkow, I.P. specialist of Larkow, Madley & Associates, said of
the issuance, "This is a defining moment in the history of intellectual
property law. To extend official registration to an emoticon, one who's
common usage predated the existence of the trademark holder by several
years, defies common sense and establishes a dangerous precedent."

Albert Firkus, co-editor of IP Monthly, offered a less dire assessment of
the grant, "Whether the issuance is a dangerous one remains to be seen.
What is certain, however, is that it appears that someone has finally
bested patent 5443036 for most ridiculous intellectual property filing in
history."

Despair's controversial trademark action is only the latest in an ongoing
series of high-profile intellectual property disputes.

Amazon.com courted enormous controversy after being awarded patent
protection for their "1-Click" ordering system, which allowed registered
customers to place orders without having to rekey their credit card
information. Critics protested that "1-Click" did not merit patent
protection. Most argued that it fails to meet the necessary standard of
being "unique, specific and non-obvious" because it relies so heavily on
the commonly used (and unpatented) technology of "html cookies".

Larkow saw striking parallels in the actions of Amazon and Despair.

"They are legally equivalent, unique only insofar as one is a patent and
the other, a trademark. HTML cookies have been commonly used by
programmers since Netscape introduced them years ago, yet Amazon has
received a patent for one. Emoticons have been in circulation even longer,
yet Despair has trademarked one. That Despair was inspired by Amazon's
move seems obvious, given that they even included a reference to the date
of Amazon's patent in their 2001 Calendar."

"AN INNOVATIVE STAND"

For his part, E.L.Kersten acknowledged being inspired by Amazon's legal
manueverings and had nothing but praise for founder Jeff Bezos at the
press conference.

"Once again, Jeff has proven to be a true innovator. He's really inspired
a new movement in the dotcom universe- frivolous, destructive intellectual
property lawsuits. I couldn't be happier to be a part of the revolution."

Kersten informed reporters he had personally taken Jeff Bezos and his wife
to dinner, to congratulate him on his willingness to "take a innovative
stand against innovation", and also to inform him that Bezos was amongst
the 7,000,000 who had violated Despair's trademark.  [Image]

According to Kersten, Bezos burst into his "terrifying" trademark guffaw
before letting fly a litany of obscenities and storming out of the
restaurant.

Kersten then intoned gravely, "Let our message to trademark violators be
clear. Whether you are a 4th grade nothing using your momma's AOL account,
or you are Time Magazine's "Man of the Year", we are going to hunt you
down, and when we do, we're really going to give you something to :-(®
about."

KERSTEN CONSIDERS NAME CHANGE

Kersten concluded the already baffling conference with yet another
surprise announcement. He is seriously consideration to changing his name
from Edward Lawrence Kersten to simply ":-(".

"The idea of having a name which so succinctly symbolizes unhappiness has
enormous appeal to me."

Kersten said he had made no firm decisions yet but warned reporters not to
plan to call him "the C.O.O. formerly known as Kersten" if he decided upon
the change.

As the conference abruptly ended, Carla Pitt, manager of Despair's
Customer Disservice? Department, was overheard to remark, "Would this
finally mean we can finally call him "Colon" to his face?"

Articles and items appearing in our "Recent Spin" are satirical and are
not intended to be an accurate portrayal of the persons, companies or
events depicted within them.

2001 Despair, Inc., All Rights Reserved.

[1] URL:  http://tarr.uspto.gov/servlet/tarr?regser=serial&entry=75502288