[lfjokes] Gym Membership.

[Craig Wright]

Ripped off from "The Sickos List"

For Christmas this year, my wife (the love of my life) purchased a  week of
private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Tawny, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
surprising enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for
me.

(She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling
white smile!!!) Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the> machines. She took
my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse
was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic
outfit. (I thoroughly enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.)
Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week!
 Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the
door.Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air...then she put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all
worth while. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning, and I hadn't noticed that when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is quite annoying.) My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster, er,
master. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape
and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Thursday: Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I explained that I
couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my
****ing shoes. Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she wasn't
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars in to find me. As
punishment, she put me on the rowing machine... which I sank.

Friday: I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. (Prissy, pretentious, stupid,
skinny, anaemic little cheerleader-wanna-be BITCH). If there was a part of
my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you
don't want dents in the damn floor, don't hand me ****ing barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a Health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the Drama coach or the Choir director? Saturday: Tawny left a
message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill, piercing little
voice, wondering why I did not show up today? Just hearing her made me want
to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to
use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the ****ing
weather channel.

Sunday: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife (the other BITCH) will choose a gift for me that is fun...like a root
canal or a vasectomy