[lfjokes] final gasps of election humor

[Adam Shand]

From: Kevin Zollinger <kevin at zollinger.org>

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to ANY presidential debate between Vice President Al
Gore and Gov. George W. Bush.  The candidates have agreed on these rules:
I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver
rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.  The
opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior
citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will
whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for
three more minutes.  Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can
you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her
story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the
way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.

My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I,
on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad
lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is
here tonight.

Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to
pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems
for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists.

I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike
my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic
were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able
to pronounce his name?

Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
didn't get it done.

If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick
Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several
options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one
to choose.

You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy
decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I
served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison
gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And
when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a
way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.

If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledge-
ably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad
lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort
them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
system?

Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to
every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single
penny until the year 2250.

In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to
guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their
homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the
child-proof cap.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush?

Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to
do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm
going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to
reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.

Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I
will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the
White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no
one but Republicans.

Lehrer: Good night.