[lfjokes] A Guide to Pleasing Woman....

[Simondo]

 For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
 dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
 understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one
 single rule applies:
  
                      Make the woman happy.
  
 Do something she likes, and you get points.
 Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
 You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
 Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the
 points system:
 
 SIMPLE DUTIES
 You make the bed  .............................................+1
 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
 You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
 You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
 When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
 When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
 You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
  in the snow...................................................+8
  but return with beer..........................................-5
  and no liners................................................-25
 You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
 You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
 You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
 You pummel it with a six iron..............................+10
 It's her cat.................................................-40
 
  AT THE PARTY
 You stay by her side the entire party............ 0
 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
 drinking buddy......-2
 Named Tiffany....................................-4
 Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
 With breast implants.............................-18
 
 HER BIRTHDAY
 You remember her birthday................................0
 You buy a card and flowers...............................0
 You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
 Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
 And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
  It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
 the colours of your favourite team........-10
 
 A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
 Go with a pal.......................................0
 The pal is happily married..........................+1
 The pal is single...................................-7
 He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
 With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)........-15
 
 A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
 You take her to a movie...............+2
 You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
 You take her to a movie you hate......+6
 You take her to a movie you like......-2
 It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
 Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
 
 YOUR PHYSIQUE
 You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
 You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
 You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and  baggy
 Hawaiian shirts...........................-30
 You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800
 
 THE BIG QUESTION
 She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
 You hesitate in responding......................-10
 You reply, "Where?".............................-35
 You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100
 Any other response..............................-20
 
 COMMUNICATION
 When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a
 concerned expression....................0
 You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
 You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50
 Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,
 what do you think I should do".......................-50
 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
  She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200