[lfjokes] If men wrote for cosmopolitan...

[Simondo]

From: simondo <simondo at paradise.net.nz>

  Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my
  sister.
 
  A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you.  He cannot get enough of you,
  so he goes for the next best thing - your sister.  Far from being an
  issue, this will bring all of the family together.  Why not get some
  cousins involved?  If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with
  your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
  meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
 
 
  Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
 
  A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
  spoonful.  It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a
  great glow to the skin.  Interestingly, a man knows this.  His offer to
  you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is
  extremely painful for a man.  This shows he loves you.  Best thing to do
  is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
  meal.
 
 
  Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
 
  A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The
  man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.  Far
  from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair,
  and to get back to you is a relief for your partner.  Just look back at
  how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
  Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
  nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
 
 
  Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
 
  A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband.  If you must mess with
  it, do it in your own time.  To help with the family budget you may wish
  to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets.
  To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and
  cook him a delicious meal.
 
 
  Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
 
  A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful.  What it means is that you do not
  love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in
  the mood.  Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by
  buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
 
 
  Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
 
  A: The female orgasm is a myth.  It is fostered by militant, man-hating,
  feminists and is a danger to the family unit.  Don't mention it again to
  him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't
  forget to cook him a delicious meal.
 
 
  Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
 
  A: Ask your boyfriend.  He'll know when the time is right.  When it comes
  to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused
  emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
 
 
  Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
 
  A: YES. Before if possible.
 
 
  Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
 
  A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember
  is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.  Sometimes,
  however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem
  strange to you.  Do them anyway.
 
 
  Q: How long should the sex act last ?
 
  A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good.
  Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has
  finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly,
  and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity,
  such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming
  large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his
  buddies.  Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can busy yourself by
  doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to
  buy him an expensive gift.  He'll come back when he's ready.
 
 
  Q: What is "afterplay?"
 
  A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
  energy.  "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
  do after the lovemaking.  This includes lighting his cigarette, making him
  a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to
  sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
 
 
  Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
 
  A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
  important.  Studies show this is simply not true.  The average erect male
  penis measures about 3 inches.  Anything longer than that is extremely
  rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over,
  you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do
  everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his
  apartment and buying him an expensive gift.