[lfjokes] Another Medieval dinner

[Simondo]

From: simondo <simondo at paradise.net.nz>

Reply to invitation from U of C Staff Club:

Dear Member,

 "The Members of your Committee have arranged for a Medieval dinner on
 the evening of Saturday August 11, commencing at 7.30 pm. Tickets are
 $35 and include dinner and a complimentary mulled wine. Appropriate
 costume dress is optional, and there are prizes for the best dressed
 guests."

 When I first read the above, I have to admit my heart sank. After
 all, the average well read academic or member of the Arts Faculty
 must be aware that the typical diner partaking of a medieval dinner
 in late winter/early spring in the Middle Ages would be enjoying a
 rather depressing meal, especially if he/she were a peasant or an
 academic. The meat course would be an early winter cull and might be
 expected to be a little on the salty side. The more knowing cooks
 would have taken steps to alleviate this by providing purees based on
 dried beans or peas to absorb some of the salty taste. The rich, of
 course, would have fared much better - they would have been able to
 afford accompaniments of frumenty, mortrews or blamanger.

 However I then recalled that our Medieval Dinner is scheduled for
 August, a time of the year when, in the Northern hemisphere, a wider
 selection of menu items, especially in the meat area, would have been
 available. A cursory glance at the proposed menu confirmed my
 optimism. Let us consider what is on offer.

 Canapes served in the Bar

 Soup:   Seafood broth with bread roll

 Mains:  Roast beef, pork ribs, rabbit pie in red wine gravy served with
         a selection of vegetables

 Dessert: Baked apples with fruit filling, various fruit flans,
         champagne jelly

 Coffee, Tea

 On the whole I feel that the above lacks an air of verisimilitude.
 "Canapes served in the Bar" scarcely has a medieval ring to it.
 Furthermore I do not feel the "bread roll" can truly be equated to a
 trencher. However, perhaps it is simply intended to serve solely as a
 sop for the broth -  for a late medieval meal, trenchers were
 beginning to be replaced by squares of wood with a depression in the
 middle.

 Which brings me to the core of the matter. By my reckoning the latest
 acceptable date for the end of the medieval period would be the
 beginning of the 15th century - probably earlier except in England,
 where I am assuming we are supposed to be dining. (The "canapes" may
 indicate I am wrong in this regard.) Tea and coffee didn't arrive in
 England until the 17th century, and champagne, about the same time
 (actually sparkling wine was apparently an English invention, albeit
 a serendipitous one.) There is also a serious breach in customary
 practice that could have had serious consequences in those times. The
 medieval church took fasting rather seriously. The consumption of
 meat, eggs, and dairy products were forbidden on Wednesdays, Fridays,
 Saturdays, and the whole of Lent, and our dinner is scheduled for a
 Saturday. (I am now starting to understand why Henry VIII, generally
 considered a good trencherman, had it in for the monasteries.)

 Still, I am prepared to give the event my approval, subject to my
 main concern being satisfied. I feel that the subject of eating
 equipment should have been addressed. Forks should not pose a
 problem. These were unknown before 1600 and until about 1700 only a
 few eccentrics used one. I feel confident that the Club is up to
 providing acceptable spoons. The real problem lies with daggers.
 Traditionally the diner is expected to bring his or her own. This
 should not, of course, prove a problem for those who turn up in
 appropriate costume dress. However many people these days (Scots
 excepted, of course) may not own one, and I fear that the knives
 provided by the club may offer but an inferior alternative.

 Finally, for those of you who wish to have a taste of the times when
 the diet may have been slightly inferior to that today, but this was
 compensated for by slightly superior government support of
 universities, I offer advice on appropriate Table Manners for the
 occasion.

 1)      Only the greedy eat their trencher at the end of their meal.
         It is considered more suitable for it to be given to the poor
         or fed to the dogs.

 2)      Wash your hands before dining (preferably openly) as some food
         may be served from a common dish.

 3)      Do not as some people are inclined to do, put gnawed bones back
         in the dish. The proper place for such debris is the floor,
         which is normally carpeted by rushes for the occasion.

 4)      If you are attended by buxom wenches, bear in mind that there
         is no guarantee that they are lusty. I am unsure of the law on
         sexual harassment at that time, but I do know that punishments
         for some offences were quite severe by our standards.