[lfjokes] Rejection Online

[Adam Shand]

I think I sent this out before .. but maybe not.  Regardless it's pretty
funny, though I haven no idea if it's true or not.

Via: null at spack.org <null at spack.org>
From: http://www.rejectionline.com/

Someone won't leave you alone?

Give them "your" number: 212-479-7990 The official New York Rejection
Line!

The rejection line team takes care of the rest, providing premium
rejection services -- completely free of charge!!

It's that simple.

We do the rejecting. You spend time doing things you enjoy, like walking
in the park, going to cultural events, and dating attractive people.

Rejection Line Tips:

 * Streamline your personal business, and familial relationships
 * Use at bars, clubs, and art exhibitions
 * Page to cell phones and beepers
 * Write on bathroom walls
 * Store in your cell phone as your "private line"
 * Leave as a mysterious and sexy voicemail
 * Give to creditors, telemarketers, and religious zealots

The Rejection Line is hiring! We are seeking creative, ambitious,
motivated individuals to join our team. Please send a one page text
resume and a short personal statement to jobs at rejectionline.com.

About Our Services

The service you have grown to love was developed by California sibling
emigres, Jonah Peretti, 27, and Chelsea Peretti, 23, who are often
spotted prowling around downtown Manhattan.

"Originally the line was more of a personal service than anything else,"
explains older-half Jonah. Chelsea is quick to chime in, as she picks at
perfectly manicured navy blue nails: "We both needed to take some time
out from partying. Things were getting out of control. We were meeting
so many people back then [in August], that we would get calls non-
stop-morning, noon, and night." Jonah finishes her thought: "We needed
some sort of service to stop the onslaught of...well, admirers, really,
is what it was." "Yeah," Chelsea nods, lazily. "It is really important
to me to have time for myself."

Putting their heads together, the two came up with a personal number
they could each hand out to fend off the extreme attentions and
irritating fawning of NY's 20- something set. "Particularly troublesome
were those damn Sevigneys, not to mention the Hiltons and the Sedaris'"
Chelsea snorts. Her brother adds: "It was always like: 'Hey guys! We're
all cool siblings, that's so cool, we should party, we should hang out,
we should get drinks, come to our photo shoots. But that's not our
thing. We're not really into all that."

Pursuing freedom from an oppressive number of social ties, Chelsea, "a
dabbler" in the stand-up comedy world (according to source Todd Barry),
said to herself, "let's make this stupid thing FUN!" The sibs employed
comedians Dennis Quinn and Becky Poole to help create voicebox
personalities for their rejection line phone tree.

The line's main greeting was originally recorded by Jon Stewart and
Conan O'Brian in unisong. In a last minute switch it was canned,
replaced by Jonah's own voice. As he explains "we switched it because it
was starting to get all celebby and out of control, and that was just
what we were trying to move away from." The Comfort specialist is Poole,
the Sad Poem is Quinn, and the Unrealistic Hope is Chelsea, herself.

"I guess the people we rejected thought the number was cool or
something," surmises Jonah, "Because we tried to call to check our
voicemail one time, just for fun, and the line was completely busy."
Chelsea sets down her cosmopolitan: "And then it was like blee blee blee
blee blee blee blee blee blee, like totally busy, every time we tried to
call. It was outrageous! We literally couldn't believe it!"

The unknowing entrepreneurs could hardly have imagined their personal
project could have achieved such popularity. Funding has been pouring
in, investors are constantly pitching angles, and exclusive media
partnerships have secured Rejectionline.com's position as the market
leader in rejection services. Forbes recently estimated the value of the
Peretti siblings' privately held telecommunications empire at somewhere
near 7 billion dollars.

"We can't believe it," shrugs Jonah, sinking into his new 2 million
dollar couch. "I quit my job and now we just hang out and sortof try to
make sense of it all." Chelsea reaches for her Cosmopolitan. She sips,
strokes her feather boa, and smirks: "Fuck it."

Services in Other Cities

We have received thousands of emails expressing wide interest in
international and nationally diverse Rejection Lines. Unfortunately, we
are unable to offer services to any city outside of New York.

We suggest a simple solution to Rejection Line fanatics: relocation to
New York. If you are frightened or "put-off" by the incessant barrage of
Big Apple tragedy and attack, we completely understand. All our outgoing
messages and many of our voicemails can be accessed at a safe distance
on our Internet web site.

In the near future, the line will remain an exclusive New York service
with a coveted 212 area code. We will aggressively defend our
intellectual property by litigating against Rejection Line imitators in
other cities.