[lfjokes] Andy Rooney

[Adam Shand]

Via: SouthShore Bed & Breakfast <sshore at mtaonline.net>

Andy Rooney On Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners 
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there
with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it
in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for
me?  Thank You."

Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.  Then I
noticed women coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they
mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that
April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'  It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."(Says Into
Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to
stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably
calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood".

Andy Rooney On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.  Very wholesome.  They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus
Cripe's?  The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun
of it.  You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?  Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.

Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.'   Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive,
your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."