[lfjokes] Phases of a good night out

[Simondo]

Possibly been around a few times, but always a goodie...

   FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 - CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an expert on every 
subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want 
to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are 
always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong.  This 
makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.   

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE This is when you realise that you are the most 
ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can 
go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk 
to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this 
person about any subject under the sun.   

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in 
the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a 
bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course 
you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't 
matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for 
everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most 
ATTRACTIVE person present.   

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and 
everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This 
is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the 
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or 
strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being 
INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE 
than they are anyway.   

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you 
can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table 
to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the 
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same 
reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you.  You 
can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one 
can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the 
words.   


THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the 
headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you 
have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate 
on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a 
minimum of 12 hours.  

Stage 2 - UGLY Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror 
first thing you are  horrified to discover that you have now become even 
UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you bloodshot 
eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your 
grandfather probably looks healthier.  Unfortunately you are still too STUPID 
to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.   

Stage 3 - POOR Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to 
shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you 
the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea 
what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the 
possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. 
 Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the 
taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake.  Rationalising that you couldn't 
possibly have been  that STUPID and that you would remember bei! ng 
robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food 
or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.   

Stage 4 - FRAGILE As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your 
consequently FRAGILE self- esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE 
physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even 
speaks to you.   

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS This is the final stage of sobering up. 
Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its 
cause from a great distance.  Even worse, they know that they can complete 
your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, 
too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.