[lfjokes] History humour

[Simondo]

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.  

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached 
Canada. 
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.  

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.  

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people 
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After
his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.  

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
threw the java.  

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."  

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.  

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."  

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the
world with a 100-foot clipper.  

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much 
money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example
of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.  

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.  

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two
cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.  

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother 
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own 
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation 
Proclamation. On the night of April 14,1865, Lincoln went to the theater and 
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They 
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. 
This ruined Booth's career.   

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large 
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept 
up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most 
famous composer in the world and sowas Handel. Handel was half German, 
half Italian, and  half English. He was very large.   

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling
for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.  

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and 
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by 
machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring 
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a 
hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin 
was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie 
discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.