[lfjokes] The Secret Diary of the Fellowship of the Ring

[simondo]

From: http://www.livejournal.com/users/cassieclaire

Check out that site for more diaries and updates.  Sauran's is particularly good...


THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN
Day One
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.

Day Four
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King yet.

Day Six
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing.
Stubble update: I look rugged and manly Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick
Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

Day Ten
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog Not King
today either

Day Eleven
Orcs killed: 7. V. good.
Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder
if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I
make a move, Sam would kill me.
Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off. Still not King.

Day 30
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat
with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay! But still not King.

Day 32
Orcs killed: none.
Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat
had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay. Nope, not King.

Day 33
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good! Boromir killed by Orcs.
Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was
very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir. Still
not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have
been blood loss.

Day 34
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him
Why?

My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me
either. Still not King, goddammit!
=======================================================

The Secret Diary of Legolas, son of Weenus

Day One
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow
some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very
important mission - gold ring so tacky.

Day Four
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all
the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow
insisted we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the
Fellowship. Go me!

Day Six
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I
am developing a tangle. Orcs so silly
Still the prettiest!

Day Ten
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot
on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500
years or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

Day Eleven
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite
sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least
1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her
mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her
claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has
fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far!

Day 30
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn
obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive.
Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Still the prettiest.

Day 33
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as
already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like
granite. Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling
herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood.
Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her
coming.

Day 35
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by
Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full
of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier
than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout
coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about
each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure Gimli
fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there,
but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting.

Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.
=======================================================

The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor
Day One
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He
thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of
elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest,
firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of
manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a
bit. Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission
while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness. Ooops...

Day Three
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship

Day Four
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back
Arrogant bastard.
Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his.. Stupid
Ring.

Day Four
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam
will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Six
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir,
quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at
the Ring." Blatant favouritism most annoying.

Day Ten
Why isn't Aragorn into me ?

Day Eleven
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am
not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle
Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute
little things, too.. In other news, Gandalf died

Day 30
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my
rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in
her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he
dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn
suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did
not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.

Day 33
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must
admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a
gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge
to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me
in the face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

Day 35
Killed by orcs. Stupid orcs.
=======================================================

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS
Day One
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam
gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic,
brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to
suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do
with Elf medicine.

Day Three
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.

Day Four
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount
Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank.
Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more
seriously than I thought.

Day Six
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt He must be
after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned.
Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
It must truly be an object of awesome power.

Day Eleven
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard
hat not just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is
just v. peculiar

Day 24
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find
me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.

Day 27
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but
she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather
have from you, Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my
breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since
she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in
Lothlorien.

Day 30
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a
group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends.
Glad Ring is not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite
so much, nor other parts. Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?
Right?

Day 33
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly
sure he also tried to have a little cuddle.
Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.

Day 36
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor Sam coming too.
Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those
platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at. Am sad to leave rest
of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the
idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on.
Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.

===============================================================
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
Day One
Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would
be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.
Did I say that out loud?

Day Three
Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf
told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of
dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another
one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told
me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee. Poncy old git probably
hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

Day Four
Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

Day Five
Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty. Gandalf no fun at all *sulk*

Day Six
Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why
his fingers are all wrinkled.
Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

Day Seven
Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr
Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful! Okay, so possibly isn't
all that tall.

Day Eight
Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask
me. Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin
how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who
likes to roll around with small men in shorts.

Day Nine
Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill
him if he tries anything.

Day Ten
V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn
every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.
Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about
pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit
from Shire not versed in wordily ways. Pippin says Legolas is shagging
Gimli. Ick.

Day Fifteen
Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr.
Frodo left, right and centre. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height
difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo
could stand on stilts. Hate Pippin.

Day Twenty-Two
Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady. Not sure where going
exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as
have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat
with Mr. Frodo.

Day Twenty-Three
Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of
course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of
himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring
down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.

Day Twenty-Four
Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something. Frodo off to
Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering
up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is
depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin
in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm. We will see about
that.