[lfjokes] Irish World Records

[simondo]

Due to pressure from feminists, Guinness have been forced to publish a
female version of the Guinness Book of Records. Here are a few excerpts
from the Irish edition:

CAR PARKING
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was
one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces,
by Mrs Elizabeth Maguire, driving an unmodified Ford Fiesta on 12th
October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Blackrock, Cork,
and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14
minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her
own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp
posts.

FILM CONFUSION
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband
without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th
of October 2000, when Mrs Bernadette Walsh sat down with her husband to
watch 'The General'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2mins
40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, him with the hood?".
This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38
secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

INCORRECT DRIVING
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km
(313miles) from Lismore to Letterkenny by Dr. Julie O'Dwyer at the wheel
of a Toyota Corrolla on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. O'Dwyer smelled burning
two miles into her journey at Lismore but pressed on to Letterkenny with
smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the
records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and
the right indicator flashing.

JUMBLE SALE MASSACRE
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble
sale is 98, at a Church Hall in Templetouhy, Tipperary on February 12th
1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in
cost 6 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A
seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p
which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives
being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly
spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale
raised 5.28 (EUR6.70) for the local GAA club.

GOSSIPING
On February 18th 1992, Elaine Stanley, a close friend of Mary Power
popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she
told Mrs Power, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an
affair with the postman. After Mrs Stanley left at 2.10pm, Mrs Power
immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By
2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to
372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the
local ICA, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists
which she flagged down and the postman's wife. When a tired Mrs Power
went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs Stanley's affair was common
knowledge to a staggering 79,338 people, enough to fill Croke Park.

GROUP TOILET VISIT
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Sales and Marketing
Department of AIB Bank, Ballsbridge. At their annual Christmas
celebration at a night club on Harcourt Street on October 12th 1994, Mrs
Julie Dowling got up to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146
other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the
toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2
hrs 37 mins later.

SINGLE BREATH SENTENCE
An Antrim woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute
barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs Jane MacCarthy, 48, of
Belfast, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly
reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She
ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for
air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was
taken to St. Lukes Hospital in a wheelbarrow but was released later
after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motor mouth marathon, she
achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points
of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs Maeve Kelly,
nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a
barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only,
accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.