[lfjokes] All you need to know about Australia...

[simondo]

The rattlesnake one is my favourite :-)

simondo

 These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism
 Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. Amusing
 especially the Vienna Boys' Choir one. 
  
  1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen 
  it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) 
  A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching 
  them die. 
  
  2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) 
  A: Depends how much you've been drinking 
  
  3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the 
  railroad tracks? (Sweden) 
  A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water... 
  
  4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) 
  A: So its true what they say about Swedes. 
  
  5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of 
  places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) 
  A: Let's not touch this one. 
  
  6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send 
  me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? 
 (UK) 
  A: What did your last slave die of? 
  
  7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in 
  Australia?(USA) 
  A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. 
  Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which 
 does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in 
  Kings Cross. Come naked. 
  
  8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) 
  A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here 
  and we'll send the rest of the directions. 
  
  9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) 
  A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. 
  
  10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) 
  A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which 
  is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday 
 night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. 
  
  11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) 
  A: No, WE don't stink. 
  
  12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. 
  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) 
  A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. 
  
  13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) 
  A: You are a British politician, right? 
  
  14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female 
  population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) 
  A: Yes, gay nightclubs. 
  
  15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) 
  A: Only at Christmas. 
  
  16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) 
  A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. 
  
  17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all 
  year round? (Germany) 
  A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk 
  is illegal. 
  
  18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can 
 dispense rattlesnake serum. USA) 
  A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All 
  Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and 
  make good pets. 
  
  19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but 
  I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) 
  A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out 
 of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
 scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out 
 walking. 
  
  21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact 
  the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? 
 (USA) 
  A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. 
  
  22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) 
 A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.