[lfjokes] Ooooolllllllldddddddddd Hospital Stories ...

[Adam Shand]

It's amazing what turns up when you accidentally run a bayesian spam 
filter on your sent mail from 1996 :-)

Anyway this was a doozy.

Adam.

- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted
   suicide.  The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a
   fifth of vodka.  When asked about the bruises about his head and
   chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall
   in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild
   abdominal pain.  During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady
   had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then
   safety-pinned her labia shut.  Unable to have children she was hoping
   that the chicken would turn into a baby.

- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on him self in a
   drunken rage and ended up in the ER.  The urologist thought that he
   could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it
   was in good condition.  The police were dispatched to the man's house
   and the search was on.  During the search one of the officers heard a
   choking sound coming from the mans poodle that was sitting in the
   corner.  After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the mans
   jewels from the dogs mouth.  After inspection of the parts by the
   urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee
   while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a
   commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately
   500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen.  While
   trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the
   folds under her arm.  After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left
   side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny
   new dime.  And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote
   control was discovered in on of the folds of her crotch. She became
   known as "The Human Couch".

- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
   parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
   Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling: "Puta! Puta!
   Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
   had to be restrained.  What the doctor should have been saying was:
   "Puja!" (Push!)  Instead he was saying:"Whore! Whore! Whore!"

- A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables
   when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum.  Unable to get it out on
   his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given
   was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would
   eventually poop it out.  On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come
   on back this afternoon.  Were having a Butt-luck supper". (How
   embarrassing is that!)

- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine
   induced seizures.  As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a
   catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a
   neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold.  When
   the man woke up and demanded to leave the nurse gave him back his
   belongings and told him where she had found the money.  His response:
   "It was a fifty, bitch!"

- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines
   in my virginny" (Interesting).  A pelvic exam verifies that she does
   indeed have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further
   inspection reveals that she has a mass in her vaginal vault. It is
   easily removed and looks very much like a potato. It is indeed a
   potato, the patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she
   "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.

- The most non emergent ER visit:  A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m.
   with a complaint of belly button lint.

- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the
   exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The
   doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.
   The doctor went back to the young female's room.

   Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive.  Are
            you sure you're not sexually active?"
   Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
   Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
   Patient: "No. Who?"

- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting
   next to him.  The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine)
   that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing
   with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if
   there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for
   AIDS.  The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "I've been
   fucking the dog?"

- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that
   she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
   wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers.  She went to the
   bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."