[lfjokes] Calling in Sick

[simondo]

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I
had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too
humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I
hoped I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I
could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident
occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute
little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one
morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife,
Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!! The garbage disposal is
dead. Come and reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested
through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I'm scared!"
she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched
down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without any
respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me
into its gnashing metal teeth.  It was our new kitty, clawing playfully
at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised
round the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At
precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost
all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising
upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with
a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly
impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife
and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife,
the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while
suppressing hysterical laughter. At the office, my colleagues tried to
coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too
painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they
had only known!!