[lfjokes] Things You Know Because of TV and Movies

[Adam Shand]

Things You Know Because of TV and Movies

1.  If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
     noises  wearing their most revealing underwear.

2.  If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
     passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3.  All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit
     level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

4.  All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
     bread.

5.  It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in
     the control tower to talk you down.

6.  Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

7.  The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No
     one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
     to any other part of the building without difficulty.

8.  Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
     not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

9.  The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in
     Paris.

10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
     will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
     note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be
     the exact fare.

12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow
     by 15cm.

13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
     strip club at least once.

14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
     every morning, even though the husband and children never have
     time to eat them.

15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
     football stadium.

17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

18. All single women have a cat.

19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them
     all than 20 men firing at one.

21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
     investigated.

22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if
     any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating
     accident.

23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
     involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack
     you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
     have knocked out their predecessor.

24. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person
     you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk
     to their back.

25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room
     will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
     each other.

28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
     their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses,
     pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will
     allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's
     eighth birthday.

30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and
     accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
     red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
     are visiting.

33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
     from duty.

35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
     bump into will know all the steps.