[lfjokes] Classic gaffs

[Simon Horsburgh]

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or
that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are a few people who do....


I walked into a hair salon with my husband
and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a
shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word... he knew better.

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

 =================
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls."

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

==================

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold
a  variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

==================

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of
laughter.

 Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia

 ==================

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally
got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price
tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and  boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the
rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU
WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH
A HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov
==================

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and
I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized
that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he
needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I
just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread
his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me
feel  better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 ================

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't
get any...a true story... We had a female news anchor that, the day
after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me
last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!