[lfjokes] Beggin' Strips

[Adam Shand]

Via: Mike Messick <mikem at tridigitalenterprises.com>
From: http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000076.html

November 09, 2003
Steve, Don't Eat it! Vol. 3

Beggin' Strips

Beggin' Strips are bacon-shaped, bacon-flavored treats for dogs. In the 
commercial a dog runs around the house like a maniac shouting BACON, 
BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON! It's weird, because I do the exact same thing.

Beggin' Strips slogan is "Dog's don't know it's not bacon!" Newsflash: 
Dogs are retarded. Mine used to eat his own vomit, and wag his tail 
while he did it. I'll be the one to decide if this stuff tastes like 
bacon or not.

I know these snacks aren't made for human consumption, but while I was 
in the store the ingredients list looked pretty tame so I wasn't too 
concerned. Somehow I had missed one extremely dubious word sitting there 
all by itself. "MEAT". That's all it says... meat.

Meat is a pretty large umbrella. Beef is meat. Pork is meat. Horses, 
monkeys, and allegedly Arby's roast beef are meat. Even Rosie 
O'Donnell's ball sack is meat. Okay, maybe I've gone too far. I have no 
idea what that is they are serving at Arby's, but you get my point.

Alas, there is no turning back now. Despite the fact that I am a grown 
man with children, I'm off to go eat dog food. And what better way to 
have Beggin' Strips than in a Beggin', Lettuce, and Tomato Sammich!

**********

I'm back. And I'm sad to report that I did not run around the house 
yelling "Bacon!" I did, however, run around the house yelling "Call 911!"

GodDAMN these are foul.

While they were a little too artificially colored red to pass for real 
bacon, I was pleased to see they were not all the same shape. Similar to 
slices of real bacon, they each have their own curvy and shriveled 
identity. (Just like my aunts and uncles.)

And somehow these Beggin' Strips also managed to smell just like bacon. 
Oopsie. Typo. I meant to say "the smoky puke of a thousand maniacs."

To put it simply, this is the devil's bacon. Even a healthy dose of 
bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn't come close to masking the evil. 
The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I was 
overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it was 
out of me.

The following is a message to all dogs who read The Sneeze: First, sit. 
Sit! Good boy. Now listen to me. Beggin' Strips do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT 
TASTE LIKE BACON. You are all being played for chumps! Alright, now give 
me your paw. Okay, roll over! Good boy! Now go take a steamy dump in 
your master's shoe. Go on! Get!

In closing, the only silver lining to this dark dark cloud is I have 
figured out why so many dogs lick their own assholes. They are trying to 
kill the taste of Beggin' Strips. (By the way, it doesn't work.)

Be sure not to miss:

Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1 - Potted Meat Food Product
Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 2 - Pickled Pork Rinds