[lfjokes] 30 Things you propably didn’t know about Chuck Norris

[Adam Shand]

From: http://hurricaneofweird.com/?p=175

30 Things you propably didn’t know about Chuck Norris:

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3.Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his  
lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”

4. Chuck Norris can screw a flathead screw into the wall with a  
phillips screwdriver.

5. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are  
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

6. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see  
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

8. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop  
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets  
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer  
amazement.

10. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the  
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

11. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks  
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction  
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took  
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad  
and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every  
second Wednesday of the month.

12. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked  
away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth  
to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in  
professional football history.

13. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris  
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7  
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing  
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

14. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied,  
“Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his  
name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing  
this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet  
for Chuck Norris.

16. Everyone uses Google to find out facts about anything and  
everything. Google uses Chuck Norris.

17. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and  
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.  
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

18. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent  
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

19. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for  
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot  
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park  
there.

20. According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can  
actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

21. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks  
aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by  
historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

22. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with  
ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

23. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

24. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

25. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck  
Norris.

26. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a  
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then  
shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and  
ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his  
hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months  
later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard  
that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

27. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just  
never his own.

28. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

29. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two  
seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse  
kicks you in the face.

30. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he  
gets the information he wants.