[wordup] buisnesses that have names that dont say what they do

[Adam Shand]

From: "McCann, Joe" <McCannJ at tri-met.org>
Via: "Peronal Telco" <ptp at lists.personaltelco.net>

Published Sunday, April 8, 2001 - The Miami Herald

I changed my name to bilk you better Several months ago, out of the blue,
a company named ``Cingular'' started sending me bills. I had never heard
of Cingular, and I honestly did not know what these bills were for, so I
put them in the pile where I keep documents that I intend to scrutinize
more carefully later on, after my death.

Then I started seeing TV commercials for Cingular, but of course they did
not make it clear what Cingular is, because the First Rule of Modern
Advertising is: ``Never reveal what you are advertising.'' In the Cingular
commercials -- maybe you've seen them -- these little characters, which
look like mutant starfish from space, walk around and make gestures. It is
not at all clear why they are doing this. It crossed my mind that maybe
they ARE mutant starfish from space, and Cingular is the name of their
home planet, and they've sent bills to all of humanity, and they are
gesturing to indicate that if we don't pay them, they'll vaporize the
earth.

Eventually, I found out that Cingular is the new name of my cellular
telephone company. It used to be named BellSouth Mobility. Before THAT, I
think it was just BellSouth, and before THAT, it was Southern Bell, and
before that, I'm sure it was several other things. If you go far enough
back, you'd probably find out that at one time, the name actually included
the words ``telephone company,'' so you could tell, from the name, what it
did, which today would be a serious violation of business ethics.

So I paid my Cingular bills, because I need my cellular phone to
communicate vital information (``Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? I can't
hear you. Hello?''). I apparently have a special cellular plan wherein all
my calls are routed through a Burger King drive-thru intercom in Bolivia.
I envy the people whose cell phones always seem to work -- the people you
see in airports, with their phones attached to earphone/microphone
devices, so they can stride around, gesturing and talking really loud into
the air, looking kind of like Hamlet delivering his soliloquy (``To be, or
not to be, that is the ... Hello?'').

But my question is: Why do companies keep changing their names? And why do
they always change them to names that don't MEAN anything? We consumers
like names that reflect what the company does. We know, for example, that
International Business Machines makes business machines; and Ford Motor
makes Fords; and Sara Lee makes us fat. But we don't know, from the name
``Verizon,'' what Verizon does. As far as I can tell, Verizon consists of
some big telephone companies that joined together. So why couldn't they
call themselves ``An Even Bigger Telephone Company?''

And what in the world is ``Accenture?'' This is a company that buys a LOT
of ads, the overall message of which seems to be: ``Accenture -- A Company
That Buys a LOT of Ads.'' I checked the Accenture Internet site, and
here's what it says about the name: ``Accenture is a coined word that
connotes putting an accent or emphasis on the future.'' Swell! I am all
for the future! But what does Accenture DO? What if it sends me a bill?
Should I pay it? What if I don't, and it turns out that ``Accenture'' is
the new name for the organization formerly known as ``La Cosa Nostra?'' My
body parts would be found in nine separate Hefty bags. The police would
shake their heads and say, ``Looks like he didn't pay his Accenture
bill.''

This brings me to my idea for how you can make big money. You start by
inventing a new, modern-sounding company name, such as ``Paradil'' or
``Gerbadigm,'' which are coined words that connote a combination of
``paradigm'' and ``gerbil.'' Then you print official-looking invoice forms
for this company, and you send out a mass-mailing of bills for, let's say,
$20.38 apiece, to several million randomly selected people. You enclose an
announcement with a perky corporate marketing statement that is clearly a
lie, and thus appears totally realistic, such as: ``We've changed our name
to serve you better!''

Granted, some consumers would throw the bill away. But a LOT of them would
pay it, because they're used to companies suddenly mutating on them. You'd
get rich!

The only flaw in this plan is that the postal authorities might question
its legality. If they give you any trouble, refer them to me, OK? My name
is now Enron P. Citigroup.

Dave Barry