[wordup] oh, my, god. dangerous bread use ...

[Adam Shand]

From: Herr ToddoT Nagengast <todd at gnosh.net>

Important things to know for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into
the use of bread.

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
   score below average on standardized tests.

3. Bread is made from a substance called "dough". It has been proven that
   as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
   average person eats more bread than that in one month!

4. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
   the average human life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
   mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
   and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole
   nations.

5. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
   eating bread.

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread in their diets exhibit a
   low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
   osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread, and
   given only water, begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
   items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even meat loaf.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
   than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
   body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
   a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 250 degrees Celsius! That
    kind of heat can kill an adult in one minute.

12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
    significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity
   TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent tax on all bread to pay for the societal ills we might
   choose associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
   children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-Free Zone" around schools.