[wordup] Aslan kicks ass ...

[Adam Shand]

Via: The Eristocracy <Eristocracy at merrymeet.com>
URL: http://www.ship-of-fools.com/Features/Aslan.html

  HarperCollins have announced that they are going to publish fresh Narnia
  stories. Explaining that there's a limit to the number of times you can
  repackage the same old product, the publishers are rebranding Aslan for
  a new generation, removing all outdated baggage such as religion and
  mythology.

  Knowing that we can trust Uncle Rupert Murdoch to handle this with his
  celebrated sensitivity to the cultural heritage he appropriates, we sent
  our man in Narnia, Steve Tomkins, to get hold of the first proofs.

ONE SUNNY DAY in downtown London, England, Lucy and Ed were sitting in
their quaint English mansion watching Sky TV. A steam train puffed happily
by through the green fields.

"Hey, Lucy," said Ed, "these cool shows on Sky make me think. It's a long
time since we went to Narnia, isn't it?"

"Yeah," said Lucy. "Why don't we go see Aslan?"

"To the wardrobe!"

WHAT ADVENTURES were waiting for them on the other side this time?
Racing the White Queen to Archenland? Foiling her plans to close down the
Cair Paravel Theme Park?

They climbed into the wardrobe, hit the button, and disappeared through a
wormhole into another dimension.

But when they materialized, they saw something was very wrong. Snow was
everywhere!

"Hey, what's going on?" they asked Bill the Beaver.

"I'm so glad to see you, Son of Homo Habilis, and Daughter of
Australopithecus Afarensis!" cried Bill. "The Queen has been meddling with
the environment, and now it's always winter and never Christmas,
Hannukkah, Ramadan, Diwali, Solstice or Tashfest."

"We have to stop her," said Lucy, "before she destroys the whole
biosphere."

SO THEY RAN TO the Queen's castle. Lucy peered through the window and saw
a huge climate-changing machine.

"So that's how she's doing it," she said. "How can we break in and turn it
off? Ed? Ed?"

She turned round, only to see Ed betraying his principles and running off
with the Queen and a box of Turkish Delight.

"I'll have to call Aslan," she thought. "Lucky I brought my mobile."

She rang the number.

"Sorry I can't take your call right now, I'm in a parallel reality.
Can't be everywhere at once, can I? Please leave a message after the
roar."

WHEN ASLAN FINALLY appeared, he said, "Sorry about that, Lucy. I was a bit
busy appearing as the Force in Star Wars II. How ya doing?"

"Oh Aslan, the Queen has a winter machine in there, and now she's got Ed.
What can we do?"

"There's only one thing for it. I must give my life to buy Ed back from
her, and then return from the dead to overcome her magic with Deeper Magic
from Before the Dawn of Time."

Lucy looked at him blankly. But before she could say, "Sorry, I just can't
relate to that", Aslan's boss, Emperor Rupert, The Emperor Over The Sea,
was standing there in his yellow check trousers and scarf and red sweater.
And he said...

No ya don't, ya bloody drongo That old stuff is totally wrongo. Find
another way out of the trap And cut out that religious crap.

"Well," said Aslan, "I suppose we could try lasers."

"Cool!" said Lucy.

ARMED WITH LASERS, Lucy and Aslan fought their way past the guards. They
found Ed tied up on a very scarey death machine and got him free with just
seconds to spare.

"Thanks guys," he said. "And Aslan, I'm so sorry I betrayed you to the
Queen for a Turkish Delight."

"No," said Aslan. "You mustn't blame yourself. It's no one's fault. You
must try to accept yourself as you are."

"OK. Let's go get the Queen."

IN HER EVIL LABORATORY, the Queen rubbed her hands together with glee.

"What a jolly good lark this is!" she laughed. "They'll never stop me and
my darling winter machine."

Just then the door burst open. In leapt Lucy, Ed and Aslan.

"Freeze!" cried Aslan.

"Duh!" she said.

"Oh yeah. OK - hold it right there! We've come to stop your evil ways."

"Evil? Who are you to judge my lifestyle choices?"

"Well, sure," said Aslan, "Fair point. But unfortunately your machinations
and schemes are impinging on The Emperor Over The Sea's global monopoly,
so we're going to have to close you down anyway. Come on, kids."

There was a burst of laser fire, a huge explosion, and the White Queen's
winter machine was no more. The sun came out from behind a cloud,
snowdrops popped up and the White Queen ran shrieking into the forest.
With a jingle of sleighbells, representatives of all the major wintertime
festivities appeared on the scene.

And to cap it all, Emperor Rupert gave free Sky dishes to everyone in
Narnia.

"WE DID IT, ASLAN!" cried Lucy and Ed. "We beat the Queen and restored
climactic eqilibrium."

"Yeah, good work, kids," chuckled Aslan. "It just goes to show what you
can do if you believe in yourselves."

And so, thanks to the great Emperor, all the people of Narnia went back to
their happy, peaceful and now extremely prosperous lives.