[wordup] America Strikes Back ... At America!

[Adam Shand]

Via: Herr Nagengast <todd at gnosh.net>
From: Russ Teasdale <russ_teasdale at hotmail.com>

Not from _The Onion_ but in the same vein.

FLASH BULLETIN: AMERICA STRIKES BACK ... AT AMERICA

By Associated Press, 10/06/01 22:21

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Air and naval forces of the United States military
today began an assault on air and naval forces of the United States
military, and senior officials of the U.S. government began to arrest one
another in a broad purge of the nation's leadership ranks.

The unprecedented attempt by the U.S. to bring itself to its knees stems
from a promise made by President George W. Bush to "seek out and punish
those who provide aid to terrorists".

U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, explaining the unusual actions that
followed, said, "Since this Administration had provided $42 million in
foreign aid to the Afghan Taliban regime only weeks before the attacks of
September 11, simple logic and fairness dictated that we take out -- well,
take out ourselves."

Secretary Powell then allowed himself to be handcuffed and brought into
custody by federal marshals.

Meanwhile, U.S. Navy fighter jets screamed aloft from aircraft carriers on
punitive raids, turning back immediately to drop their bombs on the ships
which had launched them. A barrage of American cruise missiles was
launched against high priority targets located in the U.S. heartland.

On the ground, elite special warfare units of Delta Force and the SEALs
infiltrated their own bases, demolishing their quarters with high
explosive charges and accurately placed gunfire.

Military policemen, upon realizing that they were within the very
perimeters they had been assigned to guard against themselves, beat one
another with batons and sprayed themselves with pepper spray before
forcing themselves into restraints.

Not all attacks went smoothly. The Air Force's fleet of stealth aircraft
proved frustratingly incapable of locating and targeting one another for
destruction. However, new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Richard
Myers said that he expected this to be simply resolved by ordering the
pilots of all B-2 and F-117 planes to crash-land.

Most senior Bush administration officials surrendered without incident.

However, tragedy was narrowly averted when Vice President Dick Cheney
suffered a heart attack, his forty-sixth, upon being apprehended.

Members of Cheney's protective Secret Service detail, thinking quickly,
were able to defibrillate the Vice President with a spare set of jumper
cables in his official limousine. Cheney's physicians expressed relief
that CPR had not been administered; the heart of the Vice President is
composed of a hard, brittle mineral substance which could conceivably
shatter during vigorous chest compressions.

White House press secretary Ari Fleischer interrupted his own press
briefing, in which he was describing the U.S. military action against the
U.S. as a "strong, positive" development.

Fleischer apologized for what he called "the intensely irritating habit of
this administration of spinning every single initiative, no matter how
trivial, as being 'strong' and 'positive'".

He then stuffed a sock into his own mouth -- a strong, positive gesture
greeted with acclaim by a long-suffering White House press corps.

Senior officials in other branches of government rushed to assure the
American public of stability and continuity during the historic attempt by
the United States to topple its own government.

"I like cheese," said House Democratic leader Richard Gephardt (D-MO),
displaying his trademark willingness to court controversy in moments of
crisis.

Meanwhile, in the Senate, senior member Strom Thurmond (R-SC), who will be
over 100 years old when his present term ends, showed his support for the
action by wetting himself and having a minor seizure.

At the Supreme Court, Chief Justice William Rehnquist, adjusting black
official robes hastily donned over plaid golf pants, said, "Hey, didja
hear the one about the two nigger boys and the seedless watermelon?" After
a pause, he added, "Oh, shit, is this mike live?"

The assault by America on America poses unique difficulties for President
Bush, who is simultaneously the military's Commander in Chief, the
nation's top law enforcement official, and the FBI's Most Wanted criminal
flight risk.

Bush was last seen entering an armored command bunker buried deep beneath
his Crawford, Texas ranch. A message alleged to be from the President has
been circulating on the Internet for several hours now, although the White
House disputes its validity.

Several independent experts agree that the rambling communique's mangled
syntax, misspellings and malapropisms uniquely identify the sender as
being the nation's 43rd President. It reads, in part:

"Ah want the 'Merican people to know that Ah have a strong, positive
program to apprehendify myself. Supporters of terrorists, like me, should
know that we can run, but we cain't hide. 'Merica won't rest 'til Ah am
brought to justiceization, and Ah am sentenced to a long term of
imprisonmenting."

The message from Bush concludes grimly, with a warning to himself:

"All right, this is the President! Ah know Ah'm in here. Ah'm giving
mahself five minutes. If Ah don't throw down mah guns and come out with
mah hands up, Ah'm coming in after me!"

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