[wordup] Terrifying Surveillance Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs

[Adam Shand]

Via: politech at politechbot.com
From: http://www.theonion.com/onion3920/terrifying_bill_passed.html

WASHINGTON, DC—With the nation safely distracted by the NBA playoffs, 
Congress passed the terrifying Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based 
Relocation Act of 2003 with little opposition Monday.

"This piece of legislation is essential, both for more efficient 
implementation of the New American Ideal and to give law enforcement the 
broad discretionary powers necessary to enforce certain vital civil and 
behavioral mandates," said U.S. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), addressing 
an empty press room Sunday, midway through game four of the NBA Eastern 
Conference finals. "We are confident that Americans will embrace this 
law, should they eventually realize it has been passed."

H.R. 2395 was introduced to Congress on May 15 during the fourth quarter 
of the San Antonio Spurs' 110-82 victory over the defending-champion Los 
Angeles Lakers in the deciding game of the Western Conference semifinals.

Andy Guthridge of Savannah, GA, is among the estimated 240 million 
Americans unaware of the sweeping package of civil-liberties 
curtailments, voting-privilege re-qualifications, and mandatory 
relocation of the working poor to the Dakotas.

"Man, I was so glad to see the Lakers finally get knocked off," said 
Guthridge, who was glued to TNT while the bill's passage aired on 
C-SPAN. "Shaq and Kobe and the rest of those dicks have had it coming 
for a long time."

In addition to allocating $14 billion for "development of surveillance 
technologies and domestic weaponry," the bill expands the criminal code 
to include any acts determined to be "a compromise of national 
interests" by the Justice Department or other federal authorities. U.S. 
Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE) also tacked on a rider late in the approval 
process that adds situational provisions to the First Amendment and 
effectively does away with the Fifth.

The controversial additions might have threatened the law's passage, had 
they not been made during the closing minutes of the Dallas Mavericks' 
thrilling 112-99 come-from-behind win over the Sacramento Kings in game 
seven of their series.

"The First Amendment will still protect almost all of the forms of 
expression that it always has," said Biden, who will assume his new 
duties as Commandant Of The Greater West on June 1. "The average 
patriotic American won't even notice the difference. How about that 
Jason Kidd? Right now, I'd say he's the best point guard in the East, if 
not the entire NBA."

Americans' reactions to the new laws were mixed.

"I know everyone's talking about the Nets these days, but the Mavs are 
still the team to beat," said Plano, TX, resident Doug Abbott, whose 
vegetable-wholesaling business is slated to be annexed by the newly 
created Federal Reacquisition Corps. "I'm sorry, but you're not winning 
an NBA championship with Jason Collins at center. They'll easily get 
past the Pistons, but come Finals time, [Dirk] Nowitzki's gonna eat him 
alive."

"No way—this is the Nets' year," said James Cimini of Hackensack, NJ. 
"With the Lakers out of the picture, it's New Jersey's time to shine. 
Whether it's the Spurs or the Mavs, neither team can contain K-Mart, Mr. 
Kenyon Martin. This postseason, he's moved up from being merely a very 
good forward to one of the league's elite players."

In a nationally televised address before an estimated audience of 150, 
President Bush praised the Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based 
Relocation Act.

"The swift passage of this very important law proves what I have always 
believed: that government works best when spared the constant carping 
and criticism of naysayers," Bush said. "I am proud of all the senators, 
representatives, regional overseers, and metropolitan sub-commanders who 
worked so hard to make this law a reality. Almost as proud as San 
Antonio is of its Spurs."