[wordup] More Human than Human

[Adam Shand]

More Human than Human
By John Holden

A field guide for testing if the San Francisco mayoral candidates are 
human or not.

replicant (rep’-li-kant) n.
1. A genetically engineered creature composed entirely of organic 
substance designed to look and act human.
2. An android.

With Willie Brown finally leaving his gold (plated), diamond-encrusted 
throne, there has been no shortage of hats thrown into the mayoral ring. 
San Francisco politics  are now a microcosm of California’s own, greater 
gubernatorial “challenges.” Rather than confuse you with endorsements, 
position papers and other outmoded means of political influence, we’ve 
decided to get to the bottom of the only question that matters: Is a 
particular candidate human or an insidious replicant, possessed of 
physical strength and computational abilities far exceeding our own, but 
lacking empathy and possibly even bent on our destruction as a species?

The only reliable method that we know of for sniffing out replicants is 
the Voight-Kampff Test, created by Phillip K. Dick in his book, Do 
Androids Dream of Electric Sheep and later used by Harrison Ford’s 
character, Deckard, in the film Blade Runner . The test uses a series of 
questions to evoke an emotional response which androids are incapable of 
having. By the candidates’ responses to this line of questioning, we 
feel we can say with some certainty whether or not they’re replicants. 
However, we’re stopping short of recommending that you vote for them or 
not. After all, though a replicant mayor may be more likely to gouge a 
supervisor’s eyes out with their thumbs, they have another quality that 
could be great in an elected official: a four year life span.


SUBJECT 1: ANGELA ALIOTO

The Wave: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. 
Now, answer as quickly as you can.

It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Angela Alioto: I’d accept it.

TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus 
the killing jar. What do you do?
AA: I’d look at it. What do you mean what would I do? As opposed to 
saying “how horrible?” I would tell him how beautiful it is.

TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp 
crawling on your arm.
AA: I’d knock it off. It’s something I’m used to doing in politics 
[Laughs].

TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden 
you look down, and you see a tortoise, Angela, it’s crawling toward you. 
You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Angela. The 
tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its 
legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. 
But you’re not helping. Why is that, Angela?
AA: That would never happen. I wouldn’t turn it over in the first place, 
and the thing with it being in pain is out of the question. Let me ask 
you, John, how does this fit in to the bigger picture when you ask me 
about the dying tortoise and the dead butterflies?

TW: They’re just questions, Angela. In answer to your query, they’re 
written down for me. It’s a test, designed to provoke an emotional 
response. Shall we continue? Describe in single words, only the good 
things that come into your mind. About your mother.
AA: My mother? She’s beautiful. She’s an artist. She’s a renaissance 
artist.

CONCLUSION: Her defensiveness over her lack of empathy for the butterfly 
is telling, as is the comparison of a political rival to a wasp that 
should be knocked off. I think we can safely say that Angela Alioto is 
indeed a replicant, albeit one that “loves” the implanted memory of her 
mother. Keep an eye on her.


SUBJECT 2: SUSAN LEAL

The Wave: It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How 
do you react?
Susan Leal: Disappointed.

TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus 
the killing jar. What do you do?
SL: I’d be fascinated.

TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp 
crawling on your arm.
SL: I’d kill it.

TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden 
you look down, and you see a tortoise, Susan, it’s crawling toward you. 
You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Susan. The 
tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its 
legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. 
But you’re not helping. Why is that, Susan?
SL: I don’t know, I must’ve lost my mind.

TW: Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your 
mind. About your mother.
SL: Honest. Supportive. Liberal. Interesting.

CONCLUSION: The dissociation Susan expressed in response to the tortoise 
question confirms what we already knew: Susan Leal is a replicant. 
However, by evaluating her response to the wasp question (word for word 
as Rachel – totally a replicant – answered it in Blade Runner), we can 
tell that she’s at least a Nexus 7. If you vote for Susan, you will be 
electing a replicant, but one of the most highly advanced models available.


SUBJECT 3: MATT GONZALEZ

The Wave: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. 
Now, answer as quickly as you can.

It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Matt Gonzalez: I’m sorry, what kind of wallet?

TW: Calfskin.
MG: Calfskin, I don’t even know what that is.

TW: Do you know what a cow is, Matt?
MG: Yeah.

TW: Baby cow.
MG: Um, I have no idea how I would react.

TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus 
the killing jar. What do you do?
MG: These are great questions. I’m not sure if they’re ideal for 9:00. 
We were up pretty late at the office. I can only associate to things 
that I’ve seen or done in my own life….

TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp 
crawling on your arm.
MG: I guess I would probably just knock it off.

TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden 
you look down, and you see a tortoise, Matt, it’s crawling toward you. 
You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Matt. The 
tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its 
legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. 
But you’re not helping. Why is that, Matt?
MG: Well I don’t think I would have knocked it over in the first place 
and I don’t get any amusement out of making tortoises suffer, so I don’t 
think that would be me. You must have confused me for one of my opponents.

TW: Shall we continue? Describe in single words,  only the good things 
that come into your mind. About your mother.
MG: Just a positive person, no negative energy at all. Next time could 
we do this later in the day?

CONCLUSION: Androids do not dream of electric sheep because they don’t 
sleep, unlike Matt Gonzalez who was up late “working” at the office. His 
obvious grogginess leads us to the conclusion that he is indeed a human, 
but one with an ill-formed sleep schedule. Were he a replicant he would 
have already gouged out six eyeballs, broken in to the genetic design 
lab and made a trip to the juice bar by this time of the day.


SUBJECT 4: TOM AMMIANO

The Wave: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. 
Now, answer as quickly as you can.

It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Tom Ammiano: I’d look for money.

TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus 
the killing jar. What do you do?
TA: I’d think this was Blade Runner. That’s my reaction.

TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp 
crawling on your arm.
TA: Call 911.

TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden 
you look down, and you see a tortoise, Tom, it’s crawling toward you. 
You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Tom. The 
tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its 
legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. 
But you’re not helping. Why is that, Tom?
TA: That’s interesting. I don’t know. I’m a republican?

TW: Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your 
mind. About your mother.
TA: Tenderness. Yelling.

CONCLUSION: The self-awareness required to recognize that you’re being 
administered a Voight-Kampff Test automatically eliminates the 
possibility of you being a replicant. Good work, Tom! You’re human! Now 
watch your back.


SUBJECT 5: TONY RIBERA

The Wave: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. 
Now, answer as quickly as you can.

It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Tony Ribera: Good. I’d be happy.

TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus 
the killing jar. What do you do?
TR: I’d ask him to explain it to me.

TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp 
crawling on your arm.
TR: Slap it.

TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden 
you look down, and you see a tortoise, Tony, it’s crawling toward you. 
You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Tony. The 
tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its 
legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. 
But you’re not helping. Why is that, Tony?
TR: Well, I think I would help. I like tortoises. As a former athlete 
I’ve always been very slow, and I feel I can relate to them.

TW: Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your 
mind. About your mother.
TR: Happy. Cheerful. Optimistic. Pretty. Fun.

CONCLUSIONS: Inconclusive. While generally empathetic, there is a homey 
quality to Tony’s answers that are almost too good to be true. As if 
they were… programmed. Fifty-fifty he’s a skin job.


SUBJECT 6: GAVIN NEWSOM

The Wave: Reaction time  is a factor in this, so  please pay attention. 
  Now, answer as quickly as you can.

It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Gavin Newsom: I don’t  have anything to put in it.  I would thank them 
and move on.

TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus 
the killing jar.  What do you do?
GN: I would tell him to… You know what? I wouldn’t know how to respond. 
How’s that for an answer? Is this a psychological test? I’m worried…

TW: They’re just questions, Gavin. In answer to your query, they’re 
written down for me. It’s a test, designed to provoke an emotional 
response.
GN: Oh, I got you.

TW: Shall we continue?
GN: Sure.

TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp 
crawling on your arm. How would you react?
GN: I would quietly sit and wait for the wasp to move to the next victim.

TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden 
you look down, and you see a tortoise, Gavin, it’s crawling toward you. 
You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Gavin. The 
tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its 
legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. 
But you’re not helping. Why is that, Gavin?
GN: [Immediately] Not a chance. I would never flip the tortoise over in 
the first place.

TW: Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your 
mind. About your mother.
GN: Ethics. Commitment. Sacrifice.

CONCLUSION: Almost too close to call. Almost. Newsom displays a 
defensiveness when his empathy is questioned. He’s aware that he’s being 
probed for emotional responses, and even expresses concern about this. 
However, this concern is alleviated a little too easily by our crafty 
V-K interviewer. Newsom is definitely a replicant. Probably a Nexus 5.


©2001 - 2003 The Wave Media.