[wordup] Who's Annie Key?

[Adam Shand]

Under eights v middle eights

Jack Black tears up the timetable and the classroom with his riffs in 
School Of Rock. But what do real kids think of classic guitar anthems, 
asks Johnny Dee

Saturday January 31, 2004
The Guardian
 
Buoyed by a plentiful supply of Coca-Cola, Wotsits and Jammie Dodgers, 
Gabrielle (six), Ben (six), Holly (seven), Beth (seven), Benjamin 
(seven) and Sophie (six) - all friends from an infant school in north 
London - were willing guinea pigs in our experiment to discover if 
children could enjoy crusty old rock music.

  Eight songs were chosen to represent classic rock's rich tapestry - 
from the Who's legendary Substitute to Nirvana's vintage grunge 
masterpiece, Smells Like Teen Spirit. As well as gauging their opinions 
we tested their endurance by allowing them to stop the song when they 
became bored and posed the all important question: is this better than 
Busted?

  The Who: Substitute (1966)

What the grown-ups say: "Substitute is an ironic comment on the gulf 
between image and reality, set to one of Pete's trickiest little riffs, 
all driven along by a ringing open D string. A bona fide pop classic." 
(www.thewho.net)

  What the kids say:

Holly It sounds like when your wee goes back up.

  Beth  Is this the Beatles?

  Gabrielle It's too rough and horrible.

  Holly It's a good tune but the singing is not good.

  Ben  This is brilliant.

  Beth  Ugh. I was born with Plasticine in my mouth?

  Benjamin  He's getting things stuck in his mouth and he can't chew.

  Ben  And he's been arrested by a substitute.

  Attention span: 40 seconds.

  Better than Busted? "No way!"

  The Doors: Touch Me (1969)

  What the grown-ups say: "Their sound was minor-keyed and subterranean, 
bluesy and spacey, and their subject matter was sex, death and getting 
high." (Rolling Stone)

  What the kids say:

Beth Is this Beethoven?

  Ben I like all the sounds. It's about a man and a woman...

  Sophie ...And they're going on holiday to Cyprus.

  Gabrielle It's too pointy.

  Holly  This is stupid.

  Benjamin This is not music.

  Holly And it's not as good as Busted.

  Attention span:  28 seconds.

  Better than Busted? "Er. No."

  Cream: Sunshine Of Your Love (1967)

What the grown-ups say: "The big hook of Sunshine Of Your Love is a 
grinding, instantly memorable hard-rock riff, stuttering between two 
notes before hellishly descending for a few more, then rising in an 
upward squiggle." (www.allmusic.com)

  What the kids say:

Gabrielle Argh! Vampires!

  Beth Ooh, I think this is by my dad.

  Ben This song is about a man and a woman and it's a bad marriage.

  Holly It sounds like something spooky. It's like the Pink Panther.

  Sophie I don't like it. It's worse than football. My dad watches 
football all the time and I have to leave the room. My dad went to 
watch football in Australia.

  Ben This is rock music but you could play it at a disco.

  Benjamin Yeah, at a dude disco.

  Sophie No, not Australia, somewhere like Australia but different.

  Attention span: One minute.

  Better than Busted? "Some of it."

  Led Zeppelin: Immigrant Song (1970)

What the grown-ups say: "... bulldozer rhythms and Plant's 
double-tracked wordless vocal croonings echoing behind the main vocal 
like some cannibal chorus wailing in the infernal light of a savage 
fertility rite." (Rolling Stone)

  What the kids say:

Holly This isn't singing, it's just screaming.

  Benjamin  I like the screaming.

  Holly I really like it apart from the screaming.

  Ben Is he upset?

  Gabrielle  This sounds like Busted.

  Sophie  It's a witch singing.

  Beth It's kind of eeeevol. I'm going to watch Lord Of The Rings Three 
next week.

  Holly No you're not.

  Beth Am.

  Holly Not.

  Attention span: 43 seconds.

  Better than Busted? "It's not as good as The Year 3000."

  Nirvana: Smells Like Teen Spirit (1991)

  What the grown-ups say: "... reflects Kurt Cobain's skilful mingling 
of Stooges'-style brute yobbism (grinding guitars and yelping vocals), 
American punk and late 1970s art rock." (NME)

  What the kids say:

Ben This is amazing. The bass is amazing. It's brilliant.

  Holly I like him singing, "Hello, hello, hello" - that's funny.

  Sophie It's making me think about doing bad things like putting 
snowballs down my sister's back.

  Benjamin  This would definitely win Pop Idol.

  Holly Good, goodbye, goodbye.

  Benjamin  12 out of 10. Actually 3000 out of 3000.

  Attention span: Whole song.

  Better than Busted? "Yes."

  Jimi Hendrix: Crosstown Traffic (1968)

  What the grown-ups say: "In a sense, Jimi's Stratocaster is more 
articulate and speaks with more poetic beauty than he, or almost any 
other singer, possibly could... The music possesses a oneness which 
allows it to move as a whole, creating a more euphonious appeal." (Teen 
Ink)

  What the kids say:

Beth My sister played this at her school concert. They played this and 
Bare Necessities. This is better than Bare Necessities.

  Holly It's a bit boring.

  Benjamin  I'd give this a trillion out of a billion.

  Gabrielle It's making me feel all dizzy. Can I have some juice?

  Benjamin  It's about a crossed-out Christmas. Maybe Father Christmas 
has been crossed out.

  Gabrielle Maybe he's been run over.

  Attention span: One minute five seconds.

  Better than Busted? "No."

  The Sex Pistols: Anarchy In The UK (1977)

  What the grown-ups say: "They play with an energy and conviction that 
is positively transcendent in its madness and fever... It has an 
Ahab-versus-Moby-Dick power that can shake you like no other music 
today can." (Rolling Stone)

  What the kids say:

  Gabrielle It's a bit scary.

  Beth This isn't scary, it's funny.

  Holly He sounds like the baddie in Scooby Doo at the end.

  Benjamin I don't like it.

  Ben I love it. It's all about this man and he's trying to destroy 
boxes of oil and stuff.

  Beth Who's Annie Key?

  Sophie Can we play musical statues now?

  Attention span: 44 seconds.

  Better than Busted? "Not one bit."

  Bob Dylan: Like A Rolling Stone (1965)

  What the grown-ups say: "Dylan drives his inspiration and imagination 
to even greater heights... Anger, hatred, disgust, defiance, disbelief, 
apathy, ignorance, repugnance; it's all here." (Earthsound)

  What the kids say:

Beth This is not good.

  Holly He said bums.

  Ben Brilliant, this is just brilliant.

  Sophie  He sounds like he's just smelled something really bad, like 
cat poo.

  Holly Bums on sticks.

  Ben It's great. I actually really like it.

  Benjamin  Twenty trillion out a septillion.

  Holly This sounds really really old.

  Benjamin  It's like mouldy old bread.

  Attention span: 15 seconds.

  Better than Busted? "It's stupid, Busted aren't stupid."