[wordup] How to brew beer in a coffee maker ...

[Adam Shand]

Many thanks to Brandie for the great link :-)

Adam.

Via: Brandie Bond <coyotes_quest at yahoo...>

> As a long-time fan of word up (I got in roughly around the dogs-in- 
> elk post from a while back) I finally have found something to  
> contribute.  As a survivalist, a homebrewer, and with a tendency to  
> "farmer" anything I run across, this article was funny as well as  
> rather appealing on multiple levels.  Enjoy!

Source: http://southernfriedscience.com/2009/04/26/how-to-brew-beer-in-a-coffee-maker-using-only-materials-commonly-found-on-a-modestly-sized-oceanographic-research-vessel/

How to brew beer in a coffee maker, using only materials commonly  
found on a modestly sized oceanographic research vessel.
2009 APRIL 26
by Southern Fried Scientist
Introduction

Beer brewing is as much an art as a science. Finding the right blend  
of delicate grains, hops, malt, adding just the right flavoring  
agents, boiling for exactly enough time to release the tannins,  
starches, humic acids from you wort, these are all skills that take a  
lifetime to master. Perfect beer is meticulously planned and carefully  
crafted.

Screw that.

The Flip - one research vessel that mandates a drink

You’re six days into a 2 month expedition, and if you were lucky  
enough to not be on a dry ship, it’s de facto dry by now anyway.  
You’re eying the ethanol stores, the crew is eying each other, and all  
hell will break loose if y’all don’t get some sweet water soon. This  
is no time for artistry.

This is not, as a rule, a terribly good beer (though, with a good  
brewmaster on board, it can be). This is a beer to pass the time. I  
can guarantee that if you are careful, it will be at least as good as  
the cheapest commercial alternative.

Materials

The tools you need are simple: an electric drip coffee maker with hot  
plate, a coffee filter, 2 1-liter sample jars, 2 handkerchiefs, 2  
rubber bands, and a source of clean (preferably R/O) water.

You’ll have to be more creative with your ingredients. What you need  
are some sort of grain, some malt, and, if possible, something that  
can act as a clarifying and hopping agent. You need a simple grain to  
release the tannins, starches, and enzymes. The best bet is common  
cereals - Raisin Bran, Cracked Wheat, Kashi, whatever you can find.  
The fruit and nuts will add flavor, but are not important.

ugh...

Malt is tricky, and sometimes gross. In my experience, the best you  
can hope for is vegemite, marmite, or some other yeast extract. If you  
have chocolate malt balls or some other malt based candy, those can be  
ground up and used as well.

The hops are the hardest, and you may have to forgo their goodness.  
Alfalfa or some other green roughage may work, but a clever biologist  
will bring their own hops on board.

Finally, you’ll need to find some yeast. Most ships will have bakers’  
yeast. If you’re very lucky they might have brewers’ yeast.

Methods

Sanitation is key. If you have an autoclave, sterilize your tools  
ahead of time. Otherwise, wash everything with an iodine solution or,  
if there are no other options, ethanol.  Contamination is your enemy.  
Everything must be clean.

	• Grind up your ‘grains’ (but not so much that it becomes powder).
	• Place your ‘grains’ in coffee pot (not the filter basket, the  
carafe).
	• Run 2 cups of clean water through coffee maker and let it sit on  
the hot plate for an hour. This releases all the good chemicals from  
you ‘grains’ and creates a fluid called wort.
	• Strain the wort through the coffee filter and place the filter full  
of ‘grain’ into the filter basket. Add the ‘malt’ to the filter  
basket. Pour the strained liquid back into coffee maker and add 1 cup  
of water.
	• Run the wort through the coffee maker 5 times, each time adding 1  
cup of water.
	•  Pour the wort into the saucepan and boil for 45 minutes. Two  
minutes before boiling is done, add the hops.
	• Carefully pour the wort into the canning jars.
	• Let the wort cool to between 60 and 70 F. Once it is cool enough to  
touch the outside of the jars without burning, pitched the Bakers’  
Yeast into the mixture.
	• Seal jar with a handkerchief and rubber band over the mouth.
	• Store in a cool, dark place where it will not be disturbed for a  
week.
Results

A cool, smooth brew, flavored with whatever you found. It may be very  
bad, it may be good. It will be beer.

Conclusion

Southern Fried Brewmaster

You are now the most popular person on the boat. Enjoy.

Please note - these methods can be adapted to any lab or field work  
that demands it. The modestly sized oceanographic research vessel is  
not mandatory.

Southern Fried Science in no way endorses the consumption or  
manufacture of alcoholic beverages on dry or alchohol free research  
vessels, nor do we condone the manufacture of beer by the underage.  
Drink responsibly or don’t drink at all.

~Southern Fried Scientist

Update: Several people have complained about my casually switching  
between metric and standard units (liters to cups). Mark my words,  
there is nothing casual about it. If you’re on a research vessel,  
chances are all your sample containers will be metric, but your coffee  
maker (at least if you’re an American) will use cups as the units. I  
have saved you the odious task of converting between the two. You’re  
welcome.