[lfjokes] Life's going down the tubes ...

[Adam Shand]

From: cate carnegie <catiepeh at hotmail.com>

Everyone who has travel through the London Underground will have a good
chuckle.

The following announcements were all heard and reported by visitors

Heard at Earl's Court: "The train at platform three is not going to
Parsons Green but to Richmond.  The train approaching platform two is also
not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not
going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."

On the Northern Line: "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT
encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please
give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

On the Piccadilly Line: "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat
trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the
doors' don't you understand?"

At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains
ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't
want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

At King's Cross: "This train is completely broken, it isn't going
anywhere"

On the Victoria line: "This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!  This is
like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good
deodorant!  Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday
morning!"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the
passengers off the train first... Please let the passengers off the train
first... Please let the passengers off the train first... Let the
passengers off the train FIRST!... Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like
sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay): "I apologise for the delay but the
computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the
Monday Morning Blues"

At West Hampstead: "We can't move off because some cunt has their fucking
hand stuck in the door"

At Mill Hill East: "Hello this is XXXX speaking, I am the captain of your
train,and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude
of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is
3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and
Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to
adjust your watches."

On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague
unaware that he'd left the tannoy on): "Bollocks to the lot of them, I
don't care if they don't make it to work."