[lfjokes] Sayings.

[froggy at paradise.net.nz]

      I'm hungry:
  "I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
  "I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
  "So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like 
bread."
  "I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane 
chair."
  "So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

      I'm thirsty:
  "I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
  "I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
  "I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."
  "I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
  "I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
  "I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

      I need to go for a pee:
  "Gonna drain me dragon."
  "My back teeth are floating."
  "Need to syphon the python."
  "Takin' the kids to the pool."
  "I got to take a snakes hiss."
  "Gotta go have a slash."
  "Gonna go water a horse."
  "I'm off to drain the main vein."
  "Time to splatter the bladder."
  "I'm dying for a piss so bad I can taste it."
  "Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

      I need to do a poo:
  "I gotta go give birth to a politician."
  "I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
  "It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
  "Off to the bog to leave an offering."
  "Time to snap off a grogan."
  "Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
  "I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
  "There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
  "I'm going to give birth to your twin."
  "Need to choke a brown dog."
  "I've freed Nelson Mandela."
  "Going for a Rodney."
  "Taking out the garbage."
  "I gotta back one out."

      Vomit:
  "Calling for George." (think about it)
  "I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
  "I left him a lawn pizza."
  "Toss a tiger on the carpet."

      Insults:
  "I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your 
shoulders."
  "Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"
  "About as useful as tits on a bull."
  "You must be the world's only living brain donor."
  "He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
  "She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
  "He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
  "May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
  "He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
  "So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til 
the bell rang!"
  "Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
  "Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
  "As ugly as a bucket of arseholes."
  "If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse 
and make it walk backwards."
  "Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
  "Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
  "Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
  "Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full 
of fifties."
  "About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking 
competition."
  "I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"
  "A stubbie short of a six pack."
  "Seen better heads in a piss trough."
  "You're as handy as shit on a stick."
  "Tighter than a fish's arse."
  "So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
  "Face like a smashed crab."
  "As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
  "He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
  "Fucked in the head."
  "You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
  "He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
  "Mate, shes as rough as a pigs breakfast."
  "Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
  "He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
  "She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."
  "She's two pick handles wide."
  "An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
  "As ugly as a bag of spanners."
  "You've got a head like a dropped pie."
  "He thinks his shit don' stink, but his farts give him 
away."
  "I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
  "Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the 
way down."
  "If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
  "Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an 
armful of deck chairs."
  "As thick as two short planks!"

      Compliments:
  "Ya bloods worth bottling!"
  "He's True Blue."
  "I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."
  "A better man never stood in two shoes!"

      Yes:
  "Does a fat dog fart?"
  "Even Blind Freddy could see it."
  "Is the Pope a Catholic?"
  "Does a Koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a  
Cockatoo?"
  "Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"
  "Bloody oath!"
  "No wucking furries."

      No:
  "Pig's arse!!"

      Assorted:
  "Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)
  "I'll have a super." (I'll have a beer)
  "Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)
  "Going off like a frog in a sock." (try to picture this 
one)