[lfjokes] winning the war on masturbation

[Adam Shand]

i assume this is a joke.  if not ... heh.

From: Erica <erica at alaska.net>
URL:  http://geocities.com/CapitolHill/Senate/2680/

Americans For Purity: Winning The War On Masturbation

This site is dedicated to exposing the REAL Number One Public Health
Problem in America today: Masturbation. If you have come here looking for
Jokes or Humor about Masturbation, then you have come to the wrong place!
But if you have come to be Educated on the Straight Facts about the EVILS
of Masturbation, then Welcome!

THE PROBLEM

Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago
knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's, this fact has
been lost in the "if it feels good, do it" mentality.

Myth:	 Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness,
	 depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.

Myth:	 Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed
	 upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan
	 wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men
	 waste sperm, no matter what the reason.

Myth:	 Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion
	 that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means
 	 that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact,
	 practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and
	 pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

Myth:	 Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for
	 Masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas. The police in
	 San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law.

Myth:	 But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't
	 Masturbate.

THE SOLUTION

How to stop the current epidemic of Self-Abuse in America? We need the
same tactics and the same kind of get-tough attitude that has been so
successful in the War On Drugs!

Control of Paraphernalia: Drug abuse has been slashed by the outlawing of
drug accessories such as syringes and marijuana pipes. If we are to get
tough on Masturbation, we must eliminate Masturbatory paraphernalia. This
means outlawing such things as:

1. "Personal Vibrators" and other Masturbatory devices such as dildos and
   blow-up dolls.

2. ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We
   don't need the Victoria's Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear
   would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations.

3. Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages,
   cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier
   for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate.

Intensive urine testing: Science has discovered that men produce sperm
cells constantly. All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man
doesn't masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine.
It would be very simple to require unmarried men to submit frequent urine
samples, which could then be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried
man has a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has
been having orgasms one way or another! Therefore he is guilty of either
Masturbation or Fornication and should be imprisoned! Random urine testing
in the War On Drugs has been a very powerful weapon! We should not
hesitate to harness it for use in the War On Masturbation!

Zero Tolerance! Zero Tolerance has been a rallying cry in the War On
Drugs, and is a policy that should be enacted immediately in the War On
Masturbation! Any amount of Masturbation is too much! Any person caught
touching his or her genitals without a solid, medically-approved reason
should be imprisoned in a boot camp. We will teach our children that God
did not give us genitals for entertainment.

Property Seizure: Many police departments will seize the cars and homes of
people who are caught with drugs. Americans For Purity has called for the
homes and cars of people who are caught Masturbating to be taken away
without due process and auctioned off, with the money going to
anti-Masturbation law enforcement.

SURGERY

Certain supposedly "primitive" tribes in Africa have completely eliminated
Masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat accomplished?
Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which is
analogous to circumcision in the male. (Clitoridectomy has gotten a bad
reputation in the West, but only because in Africa it is often done with
crude instruments, without anesthesia, and under unsanitary conditions.
When it is mandated in America it will, of course, be done in a sterile,
modern operating room with anesthesia.) A woman who has had a
Clitoridectomy is permanently cured of Masturbation and other lascivious
behavior, but the Godless bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. have had the
audacity to OUTLAW this operation! One of the main goals of Americans For
Purity is to not only repeal the laws against Clitoridectomy, but to make
it mandatory for female children (who will never miss the part that is
removed if it is done early enough). And surgery isn't just for Females!
Many have suggested Castration or Clitoridectomy for adult Males or
Females that are repeat Masturbatory offenders.

What You Can Do

1. Contact your Representatives in Congress at the State and National
   level and encourage them to adopt the Americans For Purity
   platform. You can go here for your Senator's E-mail address or here for
   your Representative's E-mail address. Click here to send an E-mail to
   the President of the United States.

2. Vote Republican. There are many Republican candidates who subscribe to
   the AFP Platform, but they do so only in private because of the
   controversy involved.

3. If you are a parent, click here for instructions on how to deal with
   teen Masturbation.

4. If you Masturbate, stop doing so At Once!

5. Click here to see the flood of Hate Mail this Bible-believing site has
   received!

6. Click here to go to a page of AFP-approved links.