[lfjokes] driving in dallas

[Adam Shand]

in honour of my recent stay in dallas, thanks to american airlines.

From: kevin zollinger <kevin at zollinger.org>

A visitors guide to Dallas Texas, driving in America's fifth largest city.

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS
depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own
version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a
dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has no
beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is
from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed
out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line,
count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting
into any cross-traffic's way.

7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true
for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Ross and Routh Street.

8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and a permanent form of
entertainment.

9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we are in Fort
Worth!!"

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory
defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the right of way.

12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections,
unless you're on Storey Road.

13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.

14. Dallas/Fort Worth International airport has four terminal buildings
connected by one tram that never works.

15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours,
although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The
minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything
less is considered downright sissy.

16. The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.

17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that
says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded God-given right.

18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone,
people are not waving when they go by.

19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.

20. LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is
going on.

23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf
Classic is in the second round.

24. Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are
conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to
allow for ample parking on grassy areas.