[lfjokes] hints for better living ...

[Adam Shand]

From: Herr ToddoT Nagengast <todd at gnosh.net>

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it. Everything
   wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
   longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
   driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
   corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
   an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
   grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
   leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
   daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
   all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
   categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
   wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of
   elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
   burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
   one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
   press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up
   your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you
   find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably
   ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
   program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If
   you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
   fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
   for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
   middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
   only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.