[lfjokes] If Noah lived in the United States, today.

[Adam Shand]

From: Herr ToddoT Nagengast <todd at gnosh.net>
Via: ip-sub-1 at majordomo.pobox.com

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it
rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an
Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In
fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year.

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting
in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big
problems.

1. I had to get a permit for construction

2. Your plans did not comply with the codes.

3. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

4. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.

5. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
city planning commission.

6. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban
on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

7. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So,
no owls.

8. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.

9. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

10. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

11. Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe.

12. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by
not taking Godless, unbelieving people aboard!

13. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice
from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax as I failed register
the Ark as a "recreational water craft."

14. Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you
are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."