[lfjokes] Notification of impending military operation

[Simondo]

From: simondo <simondo at paradise.net.nz>

Very New Zealand...


 Kee Ora and Tin a Kotou,  Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended
 by the Defence Act Of New Zealand (1978),  you are hereby notified that
 you are required to place  yourself on standby  for possible service in
 the American Conflict in Afghanistan and other nasty places.  You  may
 shortly be ordered to depart for The Middle East where you will join
 either the NZ Special And Suicidal group or the 1st Battalion Prisons and
 Airport Security Regiment.

 Due to the recent rundown of the Navy, the Air Force and problems with Air
 New Zealand it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the
 combat zone.  The NZDF through Atlantic and Pacific have been able to
 negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Freedom Airlines and you
 are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.

 Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be
 necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon
 as possible:
 *	Combat Jacket
 *	Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
 *	Tin helmet (Your Grandfathers WW2 helmet will suffice)
 *	Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
 *	Gas mask
 *	Map of the combat zone (the 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do)
 *	Rifle (hunting scope optional, no shotguns pse)
 *	Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
 *	Suntan oil
 ·	
 ·	If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to also buy
 a LAV III as delays due to political interference may not see us able to
 issue you with one before the conflict.  By teaming up with 10 of your
 mates it should make the outlay a little easier on you pocket.  We
 understand that GM Canada are currently offering all NZ servicemen options
 on the gun turret and a 0% finance deal, but hurry, as offer  is only
 available whilst stocks last.

 ·	We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything
 going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your
 choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows
 pension of $NZ10 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means
 testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

 ·	There may be little time for pre deployment training before your
 departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and
 try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
 *	The Guns of Navarone
 *	Kelly's Heroes
 *	A Bridge to Far
 *	The Longest Day
 *	Apocalypse Now
 *	The Matrix
 *	Blazing Saddles
 *	The Desert Song
 *	Mary Poppins
 
 We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum!  To mentally prepare yourself
 for your mission try reading the works of  Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes.
 This should give you some idea of what  may  be involved.
 In closing I would like to stress that you will be well led, well
 prepared, funded to our bestest ability and fully supported by the NZ
 government and the people of our country. hurrraaahhh
 
 			Yours faithfully,
 
 			H Clarke
 			Prime Minister.
 			A New Zealand On Air Production
 			Sponsored by Minties, The Official snack of World War III