[lfjokes] Cat Resolutions

[Simondo]

I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth,
especially when my human's grandmother is over.

My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I
am at peace with that.

I will not leap into my human's chair which she
has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human
on the tush when she sits back down.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size
for no reason after my human has finished watching
a horror movie.

I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he
takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust
and then sniff my private parts to compare
odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my
male human does not appreciate it, especially in front
of company.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs,
then come home and barf them up so the humans
can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare
down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my
human has finished watching The X-Files.

When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two
pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles
in her chest region are NOT to be played with!

I will not fish out my human's partial plate from
the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to
be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up,
roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with
your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for
late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement
in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and
yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so
that my human can admire my "kill."

I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m.
with claws extended. It  seems to cause him some
discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle
of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over
my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open
itself.

I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing
around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I
race outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall
into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his
girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit
bubblebath and singe my Butt.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the
powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not
have to answer them.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg
instead, I will not bite own on my foot. This hurts, and
my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of
the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not
knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the
rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side)
and expect the birds to just fly in.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She
can see me and will move  out of the way when I pounce,
letting me smash into floors and walls. That  does not
mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit
there and laugh.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while
people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry,
or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into
the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when
she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her
forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight
my lovely tail.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is
writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters)
stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms)
stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in
exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the
guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be
allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate
behind the toilet.

I don't need to check my male human's aim in the
bathroom

I will not bat at my male human's family jewels
while he is engaged in the act of mating with my female human,
no matter how tempting the danglies are. 
My humans get mad and I might get free flying
lessons.

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then
kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and
can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no
matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such
a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my humans's overnight
guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live
cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of
a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the
bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his
traces.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.