[lfjokes] BOFH 2001: Episode 31

Fri Nov 30 19:06:29 EST 2001

From: http://www.theregister.co.uk/media/223.jpg

The BOFH techno-zealot alert
By Simon Travaglia
BOFH 2001: Episode 31

"..and apparently animals will be able to communicate to owners via a PDA
that fits in a belt buckle," The Boss burbles happily, reading a
pseudo-computing column from some tabloid paper while cheerfully
contemplating yet another item of clothing he won't have to pay for..

"What a Warwickism!" I cry.

"Warwickism?" The Boss asks.

"Yes," The PFY responds helpfully. "You know, an outrageous
pseudo-technical statement made to support an illusion of technical
competence."

"?" The Boss mouths wordlessly.

"You know," The PFY continues. "Like me saying I have a computer chip
implanted in my penis which reacts with cash registers at supermarkets to
give me a discount on condoms."

"Have you?!" The Boss asks, shocked.

"Of course not!" The PFY replies. "It's a barcode tattooed down the side."

"Yes, but it comes up as 'Baguette, Large' when he scans it," I add,
unable to stop myself once I see The Boss's look of horror.

"And sometimes they have to scan it six or seven times before it gets
read, by which time it's changed to.." The PFY blurts, slowing to a stop
as The Boss backs out of the room quietly.

"What the hey!" The PFY chirps in response to my glance of disgust.

"I know, I know, but you really should try and work with him - he's The
Boss after all."

"Yes, I've been wondering about that," The PFY asks. "It HAS been a while
since we had a bit of new blood in the place - in a figurative way, of
course."

"Well, what do you want to do about it?! Bear in mind that good managers
are hard to come by - the devil you know and all that. Before you know it
we'll be lumbered with a new boss who actually wants to know where all the
money goes BEFORE he signs the expenses forms, and one who won't be happy
making cheques out to Campaign for Advanced System Hardware - or at least
it's acronym - and we'll be forced to dip into our own pockets for lager
tokens."

"Yes, I suppose you're right," The PFY grudgingly admits. "But he's a
bit.. well.. insipid."

"Insipid!" I cry consulting my mental dictionary. "Bland and unappetising.
Mundane. In dire need of a short sharp shock perhaps?"

"You mean really showing him what computing is all about?"

"No no, I mean a short sharp shock. 90 volts AC or so, nothing too
drastic."

"How will that help us?" The PFY asks.

"Help? Oh, sorry, I was off on a tangent there. So you want some form of
HELP? Well now you're asking. We could suggest he goes on a course for
technical managers to upskill himself?"

After we both have a bit of a laugh I continue.

"It's not such a silly idea though. We could book him into some course
where he could get the rudiments of computing beaten into him.."

"I don't think..."

"It might stop him saying yes to every request by a user for some of our
time..."

"I'll see what Junket Search turns up," The PFY responds, quickly
Netscaping to a heavily used bookmark.

Several glossy pages later..

"Here's one" The PFY says, tapping the screen in a fishtank manner.

"Let's see.... No previous experience required, Good, No actual learning
guaranteed - if you go by the wording - Good.."

"They do give you a Certificate of Achievement!"

"Yes, they stole that idea from Microsoft. Basically it means that you
managed to turn up every day, didn't dribble into your machine enough to
kill it or you, and kept your head down when the tutor asked questions...
YES, I think that'll do nicely!"

A day later we've convinced The Boss to go and two days after that, he's
gone.

One day even further on, he's back, new and improved. Well, he's back...
Early reports say he's right into the technology thing, having had a great
time and picked up lots of ideas.

"This Windows XP stuff looks rather exciting!" he gasps, surfing into
Mission Control on the technology wave. "Did you know you can actually
have movies and stuff playing on your machine?"

"Like this?" the PFY asks, firing up a recent release movie on his
desktop.

"Yes! Is that XP?"

"No, Linux. Exactly the same except you don't have to loosen your belt
when you license it."

"Oh. Does it have support for Wireless as well? You know you can save a
bundle on cabling by putting in wireless hubs for your machines? And it
makes offices easier to re-organise in the event of a restructure!"

The tangy smell of hysteria is in the air, and The Boss is exhibiting all
the classic warning signs of a technological zealot. We may have to put
him through the 'paperless office' test...

"Wireless is already installed" the PFY responds, pointing at a heat
sensor in the roof.

"Really? I always thought that was part of the fire alarm."

"Most people do, but see that little light on the side, it flashes once a
minute to tell you the network is present."

"Really?! Well, we must put in some connections - say just the managers -
then we can put our machines anywhere I like in our rooms and not have to
worry about cabling ever again!"

"Your machines run without power?" I ask, putting the slipper in when he
should be down.

"Good point. Well I suppose we can afford laptops for the managers - which
would actually allow us to TAKE OUR MACHINES TO MEETINGS!!!" he gasps
again, seeing the future extend before him.

Budget Defence DEFCON 3 initiated!

"Ah, I don't think we have the budget for that.." The PFY suggests
helpfully.

"Nonsense! There's a stack of money earmarked for an improved fileserver
which we can defer till next year - or the year after if that's more
pressing projects. Fileshares are a thing of the past! SAN is the answer!"

Short of foaming at the mouth, The Boss is pretty much proved to be in
Zealot mode. Only one thing will prove it...

"Do you want me to print up some proposals, circulate them to the managers
and then print a purchase order up...."

"No More Printing!" The Boss cries exhibiting the final - and most damning
sign of a Zealot. "WE WANT A PAPERLESS OFFICE! WE'RE IN I.T FOR PETE'S
SAKE!"

The PFY and I have a second's silence before implementing backup plan
107E.

"Actually," the PFY asks, "Doesn't your machine HAVE a wireless LAN card
inside it already? I think we purchased one with it!"

"Really?" The Boss gushes. "I'll just go and see!"

Five seconds later the phone rings.

"No, no card."

"It's internal - it'll look like a blank plate."

"Uh, well, I don't know."

"Tell you what, pull your network connection out of the machine and try
and check your mail...."

"Nope, it says the network is unavailable."

"Unavailable........ OH I KNOW! Your machine is being earthed by the earth
cable in the power cord. Shut your machine down, break off the earth pin
and start it up again."

[clatters and grunts removed in the name of good taste]

"No, nothing!"

"It's ok, your machine is probably not communicating because there's no
aerial, but we can use the power lead for the time being, just lift your
machine up so that it's as near as you can get it to the Wireless Access
Point."

"I could stand on my table. Do I need my monitor?"

"Only if it's been de-earthed as well."

"I'll call you back!"

FIVE MINUTES LATER

"Ok, I'm standing on my table and I've put my computer on an extension
lead so it's right next to the... OH! The light flashed, the network must
be going."

"Yes, the network is there, but you have to remove the heat seal on the
access point."

"How?"

"Do you have a cigarette lighter?"

. . .

"..and it looks like we'll need a new manager," the Head of IT informs us.
"He's decided that once he's out of hospital he's going to take up an
outside job like market gardening."

"Yes, it's probably for the best."

"So in the meantime I'd like you to look after the manager's role - until
such time as we can appoint someone...."

!!!