[lfjokes] 16 hours in home depot ...

[Adam Shand]

okay.  this is fucking funny.  there's more background on the whole deal
on the site, but the basic facts are:  two kids made a bet if one could
life on only peanut butter, frosting and water for a week the other had to
spend 16 hours a day (that's from opening to closing), for two days, in
home depot.

below is the diary of first 16 hours of the poor fuck who had to spend
that time in home depot.

From: http://www.blueberryjohnsons.com/home_depot/hdlog.shtml

Many people asked what it was like to spend 16 hours in the home depot.
For those who want to know I provide you with a transcript of the journal
that I kept during the event. It is raw and unedited so be warned. Due to
the state of insanity that I was in on this strange day I take no
responsibility for what I wrote. With all that said - enjoy a trip into my
mind via my home depot journal. (Thanks to Batman for typing the majority
of this out.)

4AM - 9AM    9AM - 12PM    12PM - 4 PM
4PM - 7PM    7PM - 10:30PM    The Saftey Net
Stats    The Peanut Butter and Fluff Walk

4:56 AM
It's 4:56... FUCK

5:55 AM
Well here we go. The parking lot of Home Depot. It's interesting to note
that I forgot exactly where in this plaza this place is. There are a
surprising number of cars here. I wonder if they are all employees. My
cinnamon stick tastes like shit but my coffee is fantastic. To be quite
honest I am a little nervous. I don't know what to expect. Who cares...
It's the HD hot tub event. Lets do this.

6:10 AM
I'm in. In fact I got in a few minutes early. My cinnamon stick still
sucks. I am eating it anyway because I don't want to die. Hey that an
interesting similarity - I got breakfast at Honey Dew (HD) and now I have
to spend all day in Home Depot (HD). Maybe that is why I have a hard dick
(HD).

I am in the process of going up and down every aisle... for the first
time. I have also reached my first goal. I found the place where they make
keys. I am soon to be a paying customer. The only issue is that none of
the aisles are labeled in any way so I may never find it again. I already
want to sit down. I am so fucked.

6:25 AM
Threw out my cinnamon stick. I don't know why. It was good.

6:30 AM
I think I am going to ask one of the HD employees out on a date. When she
(or he) asks when and where I will tell her "after your shift, in the rug
asile".

6:33 AM
First funny look. Maybe it's the notebook... or maybe it's my bulging
pockets.

6:35 AM
I like the light aisle. Have a funny feeling that I will be spending a lot
of time here.

6:45 AM
I don't smoke weed but I wish I got stoned before I came here.

6:50 AM
I want to buy a cheap toilet, decorate it, and put it in my room in
Poughkeepsie. Looks like you can pick one up for $50 (50) - I'd wait for a
sale.

Speaking of toilets - the iced coffee is already running it's course. I'm
gonna have to take a shit soon. Where the hell is the bathroom? My ass is
sweating.

6:56 AM
Thats right boys and girls - I am now shitting in the Home Depot. This is
one for typicalcrap.com and I am tempted to take a picture. I feel that
doing something that strange this early would be a really bad idea. I feel
very comfortable and safe in here. Just like the light aisle, I think I
will be spending a lot of time in here.

I have company now and I am pretty sure that he can hear me writing. He
must wonder what the hell I am doing. He probably just assumes that I am
jerking off.

I also noticed a water fountian outside of the bathroom. That is key.

My ass smells.

7:10 AM
There are many birds inside the store. This is getting very scary.

You should price your own house.

7:17 AM
Traversed the whole store. Didn't make it to the nursery. The door seemed
to be locked (I walked right into it.) and I dared not ask someone to open
it. Let's go make some keys.

7:26 AM
A Dave Matthews song is on... 'What Would You Say"... I think. I have
never enjoyed DMB so much in my life. I wish they would turn it up.
Something is already very wrong with me.

7:33 AM
Reorganized my keys. Quite proud of myself.

7:45 AM
While getting keys made the key machine wasn't working very well. The
strange HD employee made the comment that "the key machine must have been
out late partying with the forklifts last night". That was CFG. Strange HD
employee, I slaute you. Now lets go pay for some keys.

 7:54 AM
Read a little bit of wood magazine after I bought my keys. It sucked. It
is to be noted however that their internet website is
http://www.woodonline.com. I had always hoped that I could buy that domain
to make my first porn site.

The soda machine out here seems to have the devil in it. It says on its
LCD screen that it has ice cold soda. Then it displays the temp of 450F.
It also says that a soda costs $1.07. Strange.

7:58 AM
Found the payphones. Hells yeah.

8:02 AM
Another interesting concept. Fencing in a portion of my room - gate and
all. In fact it would probably be best if I fenced in my $50 toilet. That
way the riff raff won't get at it. Note to self: check out the padlock
prices. Also a dimmer might go reall well with my clapper.

It is really nice outside. I could stay here forever if it wasn't for the
birds.

8:15 AM
Was sitting outside in the garden asile when about 5 home depot employees
congrugated near me. Figured it was a good time to relocate. Sitting was
good but it was the writing that keeps me alive.

8:18 AM
Yeah it's 8:18! In the PVC asile I see a random saw on a pile of PVC pipe
(1 1/2 Inx loft SCH 40 PVC PW/DWV to be exact). This could be a fabulous
setip for a large lawsuit.

8:23 AM
Home Depot sells 65 different types of toilet seats. Whooptie fucking doo.

8:25 AM
My dick is like a ballcock nut toilet hose. My dick costs $3.97. My dick
is white and seems to have some sort of webbing on it.

I am starting to get hungry already. I have already been alone so long
that I am afraid to see someone that I know.

8:29 AM
Guy in teh sink department seems to be catching on. He asked me if I
needed help again. I am getting a tad worried. Maybe I should relocate to
wood.

8:32 AM
Do people consider the police to be second wave ska? Because I do.

8:45 AM
I crapped again. This is starting to become a problem.

I wonder if they sell Home Depot t-shirts?

8:50 AM
Hot chick in leather pants in the tile asile. Tile asile. That rhymes. I'm
gonna go walk by her.

By the time I finished writing and walked over to her asile she was gone.
I think she may have been a mirage. None of this is real.

8:55 AM
It smells over here and the leather pants chick was standing right next to
me. Lets put two and two together kids.

Kids paint is fucking gay. Let's check out some color names

- Bootie Time
- Fuzzy Elephant
- Baby Lotion
- Lyrical Pink
- Sassy Pink (guys only)
- Grape Ape
- Orange You Happy (To be quite honest I am not. Thanks for asking you
  fuck.)
- Craisy - I just spelled a word so brutally wrong that I need to die.
  Let's try that again.
- Crazy Daisy - Tipsy = Yellow
- Fruity Green - (Guys only again)
- First Date - What the fuck? Isn't this stuff for kids? What does first
  fuck look like?
- Softest Gray - It's fucking blue you shitheads!
- Have Fun - NO!
- Ripe Guava - Looks like ripe ass
- Hot - It's just red you assholes!!!

I hate the behr kids paint people!! Here is a quote from their flyer.
"Remember that before infants turn into toddlers they see a lot more
ceiling than any other surface in the room." Check back with little Anna
when she's 18 and she will be seeing a whole lot of ceiling when little
Billy from next door sneaks over for his 12:00 booty call.

Fuck the Behr people.

[rest at website ... it pretty  much just gets funnier. - adam]