[lfjokes] How Xmas Dos Could Be...

[Simondo]

From: The Jokes List <simondo at paradise.net.nz>


 December 1st
 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
  I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
 Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open
 Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a
 small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to
 sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
 dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!
 Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
 time; however, no gift should be over $10.
 Merry Christmas to you and your family.
 Ted Lange
 Human Resources Director

 -----------------------------------------
 December 2nd
 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
 In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
 Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
 important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
 (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now
 on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
 applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
 time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas
 carols sung.
 Happy Holidays to you and your family.
 Ted Lange
 Human Resources Director
 ------------------------------------------
 December 3rd
 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
 Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of
 Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table,
 I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't
 forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
 Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,
 forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be
 allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too
 much money.
 Ted Lange
 Human Researchers Director
 --------------------------------------------------------------
 December 7th
 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
 I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
 farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
 closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with
 each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
 men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a
 flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
 Ted Lange
 Human Racehorses Director
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
 December 9th
 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
 People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by
 wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram
 of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
 connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
 Ted Lange
 Human Ratraces
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
 December 10th
 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
 Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going
 to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like
 it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from
 the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get
 salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you
 know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
 slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
 right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
 Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
 The Jerk from Hell
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
 December 14th
 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
 I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Ted Lange a
 speedy recovery from him stress-related illness. I'll
 continue to forward your cards to him at the sanitarium.
 In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
 Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
 23rd off with full pay.
 Terri Bishop
 Acting Human Resources Director