[lfjokes] Lord of the Rungs

[Simondo]

From: http://www.smh.com.au/news/0201/16/opinion/opinion5.html

Lord of the Rungs: so that's a fulm about modern times, eh? 
Middle-Earth is New Zealand, writes Martin Graham. 

THE HECKLER

What is it with the Kiwis and The Lord of the Rings? 

The way they're carrying on you'd thing they'd split the atom. Look, Mum, 
moving pictures on a big wall! It's the talkies!

I don't want to bag New Zealand and the massive packet of Smiths they have 
on 
their collective shoulders. But it's not like they just invented Vegemite or 
did anything useful.

The Lord of the Rings is a film. Quite a long film. A couple of hours of it are 
very watchable. But, come on, there is no reason for New Zealanders to 
portray 
Rings as though it's the biggest single contribution to Western society since 
the Enlightenment.

The most pathetic part is that they can't even boast about having really made 
the movie as such. Peter Jackson may be the fush and chups front man, but 
the 
film's as Yankee as baseball. The sheep-shaggers have trouble funding a 
proper 
football team; international blockbuster movies are way out of their league.

What we are left with is the pathetic sight of our Kiwi cousins boasting about 
how great the scenery looks. The Government is even pumping what remains 
of its 
budget into an advertising campaign to tell the world about the national role 
as an extra. 

It's sad really. And desperate. Imagine Bikini Atoll advertising itself as a 
nuclear superpower and you can see what I mean.

Is it really something to boast about that Tolkien's Middle-Earth could be so 
easily created in the Shaky Isles? A tale of simple people living a simple life 
without modern technology? We're talking about New Zealand here - how hard 
can 
it be?

Mocking up the Middle Ages must have been a piece of cake in a country yet 
to 
discover crop rotation. I would have thought that the biggest problem faced by 
the producers was making Wellington look modern enough to pass for 
anything 
after AD1300.

You have to remember New Zealand is the only country in the world where 
you 
could film Xena without building any sets. 

The more you think about it the more you realise that making The Lord of the 
Rings in New Zealand would have presented no great challenge. Filming 
conditions are ideal. No air force to accidentally get into shot. No smog from 
industry to get in the way. The biggest continuity issue would be the slightly 
more modern breed of merino in the background.

Let's get this straight. The story in the Rings revolves around a race of 
short, slightly furry creatures who are none too bright but relatively loyal in 
a tight spot. If this doesn't scream the middle bit of ANZAC, I can't imagine 
what would. Kiwis would do anything for real currency, so finding the extras 
would have been easy. Apart from having to explain what "action" means. 
"Hey, 
guys, imagine Christchurch, but with, like, pubs and stuff."

Getting the extras to dress like serfs would hardly have been difficult. Just 
tell them there was a wedding on and ask them to dress it up a bit.

And what's all this nonsense about the incredible attention to detail? I don't 
think it would have been that hard to faithfully replicate Tolkien's Goblin 
language. For your average Kiwi, Goblin comes easy. It's English they have 
trouble with. Need a crowd of Orcs? Stumpy blokes as thick as two short 
planks 
who are ready to rip your head off at any moment. The All Blacks wouldn't 
even 
have to wear make-up.

As I understand it, the movie goes for three hours and the entire plot involves 
one gold ring. Which they want to destroy. Only in the New Zealand economy 
would this be considered a worthwhile allocation of labour. Middle-Earth your 
Kiwis can do. It's more recent times they struggle with.

Let's see them try a film about a contemporary multicultural society with an 
economy capable of producing elaborately transformed manufactures. Now, 
there's 
a challenge.

Martin Graham is a Herald reader. Send Hecklers to sbaldwin at smh.com.au