[lfjokes] New Maths papers

[Simondo]

From: simondo <simondo at paradise.net.nz>

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools
and comprehensives in Britain. The Department of Education has realised
this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.
Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname _____________________________
Gang Name _____________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for
300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid a gram, what is the street
value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is .40 a ride, how many jobs
per day must each bitch perform to support Damo's .500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000
quid, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got .350,000 for the hit. If
his common law wife spends .33,100 per month, how much money will be left 
when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the 
slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 2 square meters and the 
average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with
eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 
35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20
seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets
whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name___________________________________________________________
_______
________________________________________________________________
______________
________________________________________________________________
______________
____________________ (If longer, please continue on
separate sheet)

School ___________________________________
Daddy's Company __________________________
1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing X amount of damage and 
killing three people. The old man asks his local CC to intervene in
the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment
of Y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance 
settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry
driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and
own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the
course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona 
doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he
only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14
doses of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?
4. If Verity throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a
size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she
has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction
cost?
5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies 
women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. 
However, he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does
his Sunday Independent column start?