[lfjokes] Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personal Ads

[Simondo]

  WOMEN'S ADS
  
  40-ish.............. 49
  Adventurer.......... Slept with all your friends
  Athletic.............No chest
  Average looking......Has a face like a basset hound
  Beautiful........... Pathological liar
  Contagious Smile.... Does a lot of Ecstasy
  Educated............ Banged her Poly-sci professor
  Emotionally Secure.. Medicated
  Feminist............ Fat ball-buster
  Free spirit......... Junkie
  Friendship first.....slut
  Fun..................Annoying
  Gentle...............Comatose
  Good Listener........Borderline Autistic
  New-Age..............It's a mess down there
  Old-fashioned....... Lights out, no BJs
  Open-minded..........Desperate
  Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing
  Passionate...........Sloppy drunk
  Poet.................Depressive Schizophrenic
  Professional.........Certified Bitch
  Redhead..............Bad dye-job
  Reubenesque..........Grossly Fat
  Wants Soulmate...... Stalker
  
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  Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of
  affection at home.
  
  Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of
  affection at home.
  
  Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of
  affection at home.
  
  Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
  
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  Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
  
  
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  MEN'S ADS
  
  40-ish.............. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
  Athletic............ Watches a lot of NASCAR
  Free Spirit..........Banging your sister
  Good looking........ Arrogant
  Very good looking... Dumb as a board
  Honest.............. Pathological Liar
  Likes to cuddle..... Insecure mama's boy
  Mature.............. Older than your father
  Physically fit...... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
  Very sensitive...... Gay
  Spiritual........... Got laid in a cemetery once
  Thoughtful.......... Says "Excuse me" when he farts