[lfjokes] Excerpts from the Queen Mum's book of condolence

[Simondo]

I confess, this had me laughing my rear end off.  Don't get me wrong -- I'm
as big a fan of the monarchy as the next republican and was deeply moved by
QM's passing.  But at most I would have stuck to "Bummer, hope you went 
up,
hugs Si".

Anyways, enjoy and considered yourself warned by this introduction...

simondo


"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our
very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New
York in the face".


L.Ward, Mansfield.

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"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I
did.

Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the
rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".

A.Christie,Hendon.

----------------------------------------------------------

"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"

J.Clement. Grantham.

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"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"

D.Holmes, Somerset.

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"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was
visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit
to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis 
and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused 
to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was sickening".

B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

----------------------------------------------------------

"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".

 L. J.Worthington, Penrith.

----------------------------------------------------------

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".

S.Wilson, Bristol.

----------------------------------------------------------

"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal
family without being accused of being homosexual".

J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
experiment with drugs".

E. Franks, Cheshire.

----------------------------------------------------------

"On behalf of all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".

T.Watson, Ilford.

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"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The
Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".

Y. Howell, Slough.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman
should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her
mother?"

W.Waugh, Richmond.

----------------------------------------------------------

"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".

K. O'Neil, Inverness.

----------------------------------------------------------

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public
duties".

N. Wallace, Swansea.

----------------------------------------------------------

"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible
event"

E. Thompson, West Lothian.

---------------------------------------------------------

"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel
better"

P.McGregor, Southampton.

---------------------------------------------------------

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers,
anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her
coffin".

R. Thompson, Bath.

---------------------------------------------------------

"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so
again until her majesty is buried"

E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

---------------------------------------------------------

"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".

R. Combes, Romford.

---------------------------------------------------------

"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a
smile.  Just like a retard"

G. Hollins, East Sussex.

----------------------------------------------------------

"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind,
so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not
true' she said, 'you don't smell of shit'. She was a wondrous person".

E.Collier, London.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".

G.Williams, West Midlands.

----------------------------------------------------------

"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance
fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless 
you ma'am".

L. Weller, Harlow.

----------------------------------------------------------

"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless
bastard!"

J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

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"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a
life of privilege and comfort"

T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.