[lfjokes] Making love to a beautiful woman ...

[Adam Shand]

Via: Nigel Ballard <nigel at joejava.com>

SENDING EMAIL
Sending email is like making love to a beautiful woman, you have to
give the right messages and press the right buttons.  Then hey
presto, it's arrived in her box!

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's
got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to
stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they
squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail
her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might
like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a
beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the
table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your
brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip in to
the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give
every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice
wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and
evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual
carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a
rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as
possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First
of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod
cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in
use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are
no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base, where the grip is
usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate
bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.