[lfjokes] Travelling in India

[Simondo]

Yep, this certainly brings back memories!  Funnily enough, I get more scared 
on NZ roads.  I think the absolute chaos of the Indian roads makes it unreal, 
so that it becomes more like a game of dodgems than the life-and-death 
situation it actually is.  By way of statistics, an average of 7 people are killed 
on Delhi roads each day...  

simondo


The following item was extracted from the travel section of a UK daily 
newspaper [not sure which]:  

Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and 
experience.  It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly 
exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, 
extremely dangerous.  

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on an 
ancient text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time 
in English.  

ARTICLE I: The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.  

ARTICLE II: The following precedence must be accorded at all times.  In 
descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official 
cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, 
scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-
carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.  

ARTICLE III: All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the 
maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat.  This is the 
Indian drivers' mantra.  

ARTICLE IV Use of horn (also known as the 'sonic fender' or 'aural amulet'): 
Cars (IV, 1, a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in clearing 
dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.  Long blasts (desperate) denote 
supplication, i.e. to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless 
you slow down we shall both die".  In extreme cases this may be 
accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).  Single blast (casual) means 
"I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognise", "There is a 
bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I 
have not blown my horn for several minutes." Trucks and buses (IV, 2, a): All 
horn signals have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of 
approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could."  
This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps (insouciant).  Article 
IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above  

ARTICLE V All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until 
the last possible moment.  

ARTICLE VI In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall 
wear garlands of marigolds.  These should be kept fastened at all times.  

ARTICLE VII Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. 
So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane discipline (VII, 
1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall 
occupy the centre of the road.  

ARTICLE VIII Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts.  Apparent traffic 
islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any 
other impression should be ignored.  

ARTICLE IX Overtaking is mandatory.  Every moving vehicle is required to 
overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just 
overtaken you.  Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, 
such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the 
middle of villages/city centres.  No more than two inches should be allowed 
between your vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch in the case 
of bicycles or pedestrians.  

ARTICLE X Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.  

ARTICLE XI Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has 
reverse gear.  

ARTICLE XII The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker.