[lfjokes] Short 'uns

[Simondo]

I warn you now -- some of these are pretty dire...


 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The
 shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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 Answer phone message
 "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

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 Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

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 Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was
 stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened
 criminals.

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 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
 My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
 "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
 So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
 Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
 he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

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 Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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 Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad
  Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
 think it's Colin.

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 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
 other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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 I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
 any.

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 I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
 couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks
 are too high.'

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 My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
 currant.

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 A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
 "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
 can't, I've cut your arms off".

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 I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

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 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the 
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat 
it too.

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 A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?"
asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
 "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
 "Like a glove."

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 Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
 hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.