[lfjokes] Shaving ass hair...

[Simondo]

From: http://www.supraforums.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=36947

 ASS HAIR

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though 
tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, 
with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a 
regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ss-hair had grown 
to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the 
matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me 
KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the 
tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.  

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper 
and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid 
smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of 
seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I 
could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its 
Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had 
what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my 
butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans 
will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will 
go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many 
Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a 
drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" 
by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.  

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a 
towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the 
cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, 
I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on 
the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble 
the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last 
time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My 
ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.  

Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in 
this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only 
after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for 
granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I 
walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs 
and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat 
was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of 
my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about 
going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I 
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the 
microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I 
stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky 
poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to 
itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up 
and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and 
scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion 
caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were 
sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I 
quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in 
front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.  

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and 
filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it 
worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and 
blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, 
fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated 
aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing 
right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair 
grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass 
at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - 
ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my 
asscheeks.  

Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, 
and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks 
like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. 
As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, 
it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.  

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are 
many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I  shouldn't 
just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure 
this constant agony.  

Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!