[lfjokes] Insert favorite Telco ...

[Adam Shand]

Do a global search and replace of NTC with your preferred Telco

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking
B&H and drinking vendor coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful web
site.... HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for
a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested t, and begun to pay for it. I
estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between
about 6 PM -midnight, Mon - Fri, and most of the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on
my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to
a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled I'm jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is
available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is
closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected
to the irritating Scottish robot woman ... and several other variations
on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god
awful customer relations, that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to  their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because,
well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore
was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are.  You
are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the
highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.

I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment
from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted
initially with hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision,
and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist
at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment
if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings toward NTL, and its
worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
twats.