[lfjokes] Some new Darwin Awards

[Simondo]

Here is the new set of Darwin Awards. You really have to wonder  if any 
of these are actually true, but they are a good laugh anyway. The last 
one should make most guys cringe!!!!   

They are finally out again.  

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honour given to the
person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way.  

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of
it.  

 And the nominees are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,  mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.  

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died 
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and 
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and 
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to 
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing military gas mask 
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its 
place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow 
wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was 
inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his 
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his 
death to his family very awkward.   

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.  

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details 
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not 
breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch 
naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, 
she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived 
and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - 
the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the 
man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, 
they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a 
habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and 
between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious 
reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted 
out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.   

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near 
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and 
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have 
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the 
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which 
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt 
to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman 
lost her own.   

4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use 
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax 
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of 
these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the 
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the 
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think 
Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the 
cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the 
trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of 
death was "Major trauma".   

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a 
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.  
The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was 
hospitalised.   

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell 
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing 
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building 
had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. 
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in 
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses 
later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his 
pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon 
operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, 
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the 
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. 
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of 
as 'bright' by his peers.   

The latest nominee for this year's Darwin Award (awarded to people for 
incredible feats of stupidity) goes to....   

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez 
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. 
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez 
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the 
machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by 
spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus 
wedging solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his 
threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately 
for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher 
off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum 
was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, 
and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball 
washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was 
pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery 
inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that 
he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance 
himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the 
remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.