[lfjokes] Cards that Hallmark don't print...

[Simondo]

    1. So your daughter's a hooker,  
    and it spoiled your  day. 
    Look at the bright  side, 
    it's really good  pay. 

    2. My tire was thumping.  
    I thought it was flat.  
    When I looked at the  tire... 
    I noticed your  cat. 
    Sorry!  

    3. Heard your wife left you, 
    How upset you must be. 
    But don't fret about it...  
    She moved in with me.  

    4. Looking back over the years that we've  been 
    together, I can't  help but wonder? 
    What  the hell was I thinking? 

    5. Congratulations  on your wedding day! 
     Too bad no one likes your husband. 

    6. How could two people as beautiful as you... 
    Have such an ugly baby? 

    7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, 
    someone to love. After having met you ...  
    I've changed my mind.  

    8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my  life... 
    I never  believed in Hell till I met you. 

    9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... 
    That you're not here to ruin it for  me. 

    10. Congratulations on your  promotion. 
    Before you  go ... would you like to take this knife 
    out of my back? You'll probably need it  again. 

    11. Someday I hope to get  married. 
    But not to  you. 

    12. Happy birthday! You look great for  your age... 
    Almost  Lifelike! 

    13. When we were together, you  always 
    said you'd die  for me. Now that we've broken up, 
    I think it's time you kept your promise.  

    14. We have been friends for a very long  time... 
    what say we  stop? 

    15. I'm so miserable without you  ... 
    it's almost like  you're here. 

    16. Congratulations on your  new bundle of joy. 
    Did  you ever find out who the father was? 

    17. Your friends and I wanted to do something 
    special for your birthday. 
    So we're having you put to sleep.  

    18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! 
    (Available only in Tasmania)