[lfjokes] Dam funny...

[Simondo]

Set out below is the text of a letter reportedly sent to a man
named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of 
Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Read the letter, and then read this guy's response (which follows).


==========================

SUBJECT:
DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County


Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity 
on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been 
certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the 
following unauthorized activity:


Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across 
the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior 
to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's 
files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the 
Department has determined that this activity is in violation of 
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource 
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts 
of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan 
Compiled Laws, annotated.


The Department has been informed that one or both 
of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, 
causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. 
We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous 
and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore 
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, 
and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by 
removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the 
stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no 
later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been 
completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be 
scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply  with this request or any further 
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case 
being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation 
in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.

Sincerely,
   David L. Price
   District Representative
   Land and Water Management Division

--------------------------------

The following is the actual response sent back to the DEQ:


Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; 
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to 
me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner 
and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I 
am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the 
(State unauthorized) process of constructing and 
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet 
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, 
nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly 
offended that you call their skillful use of natures building 
materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department 
to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any 
place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way 
you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, 
their dam, ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam 
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that 
they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond 
Beavers; or   
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout  this State to 
conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed 
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that 
have been issued.

Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,
Inland  Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 24.30113  of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is this - aren't the
beavers entitled  to legal representation? The Spring Pond 
Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for 
said representation - so the State will have to provide them 
with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that 
either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain 
event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, 
which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers 
alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam 
names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow 
condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going 
to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your 
dam letter they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right 
to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, 
the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have 
more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case 
can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right 
now. Why wait until 1/31/2002?  The Spring Pond Beavers 
may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for 
you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the
bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and 
leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your 
step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being 
unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am 
sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
   Stephen L.Tvedten
   BV